Managing Anger (1)

            When we are angry about something, there are many ways we choose to behave as a way of dealing with this reaction.  Some people are more effective than others in being able to manage these feelings. 

            Suppressing anger is certainly not the answer.  This often just complicates matters, as anger will find expression in other things. 

            Let’s face it, we can’t change other people.  Often times, we are also angry because we cannot change the situation that caused us to feel angry.  If we could, we would not be this angry to begin with.  So, no matter how much we rant about the person or the situation, these will not change. 

            The only thing we can change is our own reactions.  Now, don’t make the mistake that I am implying that we should pretend that we are not angry all of a sudden and behave differently.  That would be suppressing.  In fact, the first thing to do is to acknowledge our anger.  So, ask yourself, “How angry am I?” You might even rate yourself on a scale from 1-10 how angry your are (it can be that 10 is that you are calm and unaffected and 1 is you are very much affected and rather furious; or the other way around—it’s up to you).  Admitting the feeling to yourself is really the first step in managing it. 

            The next step is to understand what you can and cannot do given the level of rage that you are feeling.  Maybe, at a 2 or 3, you are really too angry to be reasonable; or at a 5 or 6, you are not too angry, just somewhat annoyed and you can still have a helpful discussion.  This will now determine what you can and cannot do.  This is probably a step that needs to be visited and re-visited, as feelings can come and go very quickly. 

            When we know that we are angry and to what extent that is so, we need to help ourselves manage both our physical and emotional reactions.  In managing our physical reactions, we need to help ourselves calm down.  One of the most effective ways of doing this is through good deep breathing (see my entry on this blog entitled Breathing Right Towards Psychological Wellbeing posted on 13 March 2010).  Only when we are able to manage our physical reactions can we start to manage the emotional ones. 

            Other relaxation techniques could also include any of the following: 

·         Listening to music you enjoy;

·         Making yourself a cup of coffee or tea and drinking it slowly and leisurely;   

·         Taking a short walk in the park;

·         Imagining happier times; and

·         Doing some strenuous physical exercise. 

            Practicing relaxation techniques is helpful in managing your physiological reactions.  This is certainly a good first step in owning up to your reactions and addressing its effects on your body.  Only when your emotions are not so high can you begin to deal with your feelings more rationally.  Next week, we shall discuss what you can do to manage your angry feelings. 

Anger

            Anger is one of the emotions that is least understood.  For many of us, we were taught from the time we were young that we cannot be angry, that being angry is wrong.  So, instead of learning how to manage this most natural of reactions, over time, we either suppress it until a point that we cannot help ourselves and we erupt like a volcano or hide it and express it in less obvious ways. 

            One favorite of Filipinos in expressing anger covertly is through passive-aggressive means.  Not saying or doing what is expected as a way of getting back at the person who is the object of anger is the usual method done.  We can also appear friendly and nice to a person when they are around, but we can be less friendly and uncaring in the absence of the same person. 

            We also need to understand that anger, just like with other feelings, presents itself in different degrees.  We can be annoyed and irritated at first.  This can then progress to anger, and then to rage and fury.  Although this progression can happen very quickly for some of us, it is important to know that there are milder degrees of the same emotion.  This is one key to helping us manage this emotion better. 

            Anger, just like happiness and sadness, is a feeling.  It is an emotional reaction that we get when we have been hurt or wronged.  When we are mad, it energizes us to do something about our situation.  It is the emotion that helps us avoid or confront potentially life-threatening situations.  So, having some anger can sometimes be helpful for our survival as a species. 

            In modern society, however, there are not very many situations when we need to defend ourselves from a significant threat to our lives.  And so, we tend to think that anger is less useful.  Nevertheless, there are times when anger can be quite helpful when it is expressed appropriately.  Asserting ourselves to others when we have been wronged or when we are unable to get what we need and want is one such way that anger can be channeled constructively.  For us Filipinos, we avoid asserting ourselves for fear of being perceived as arrogant and self-centered.  And yet, only when we are able to express our feelings using words, and effectively express what we want from a situation or person can we really use our anger without hurting others or ourselves. 

            Many people have various myths about their anger that prevent them from identifying it to the relevant people.  Here are some of these myths: 

1)      I do not need to say that I am angry because the other person should know it already without me having to say it. 

2)      My actions speak louder than my words.  If the other person cares, he/she should know that I am angry. 

3)      Saying that I am angry to the person who is the object of my anger only makes me vulnerable to further hurt and disappointment. 

4)      Anger is wrong; so, I cannot admit this to others. 

I say that these are myths because it is these thoughts that promote hostile interactions that bring about more hurt than healing. 

            In learning to understand ourselves, we need to know that feeling angry is a natural part of our emotional reactions.  With this admission, we can better admit to ourselves that there is nothing wrong to being angry, and admitting this to others can oftentimes be helpful.  Such heightened self-awareness and honesty to others can be the seeds of more mature interchanges with others. 

Breaking Down Experiences

I know many people who do not like to analyze much.  They go through their experiences as they come.  They are often able to savor the positive experiences and lament over the negative experiences.  For the most part, this is a good habit, as it enables us to enjoy our experiences as they are.  Living the total experience of our day to day lives certainly enables us to savor every moment and live life to the full. 

There are times, however, when a situation calls for us to understand our experiences more deeply.  We might have caught ourselves behaving in an uncharacteristic manner, such as, displaying our temper more extremely than usual or being rather melancholic.  We might also observe ourselves being more enthusiastic and even impulsive over our decisions.  In both extremes of either negative or positive experiences, we often find ourselves dwelling into some details, causing us to linger on the why’s and how’s of these incidents.  Somehow, this kind of pensive reflection can often help us understand the situation better. 

Although we do this thinking and reflecting rather intuitively, one way of understanding them is by breaking them down into their components.  When we are able to look at parts of a whole, we are better able to scrutinize details that are easier to manage.  In so doing, we are better able to see the components of our experiences that are made up of choices that we have made earlier.  We are also able to decipher which ones are more like reactions to these choices.  This knowledge then enables us to make reasonable evaluations of our experiences, offering us a reflection of ourselves. 

The three basic components of our experiences are our feelings, thoughts, and our actions.  They are the result of the physical events in our bodies.  Although I am dividing them here as if they are separate from each other.  When we experience something, all these three often come together.  They interact with each other in a very dynamic manner.  

Oftentimes, our feelings are reactions to what we sense and the meaning we place on what we witness.  Our thoughts, therefore, often have a huge impact on our feelings.  If we see a child crying, for instance, we can feel pity for the young lad or feel irritated and angry depending on the way we perceive the context of the crying.  So, our evaluation of the situation will dictate our emotional reactions.  Both our thoughts and feelings necessarily affect how we will behave.  So, our actions are then influenced. 

What we often do not realize in this system of feeling, thinking and doing is that they influence each other in all directions.  So, if I am feeling sad about something and behave in a way that makes me feel happier, then I will eventually feel happy.  My actions would influence the way I feel.  Similarly, my thoughts can also influence both my actions and my feelings.  This is why realistic optimism (see my post on 24 September 2010) is so influential in the way we feel about ourselves and the world around us.  In the same way, our actions are influenced by what we think. 

And so, there is really some truth in the power of thinking positively about something in order to keep happy.  Concurrently, doing something different from how we feel can also change our emotional experiences as well. 

Parenting During Summer Break

For most students, the school year is just about done and vacation is just around the corner.  This is the time when we are planning our vacations.  The coming two months is the time that many families go on vacations and do the things that are harder to do during school time. 

For parents, there are no hard and fast rules.  We can decide what to do with our children, given only practical and financial limits.  Whereas some parents prefer to help their children prepare for the coming school year by having them do supplemental lessons in specific subject areas, summer break can actually be an opportunity for children to learn and practice skills other than those related to school learning. 

Just what am I suggesting here?  I am actually saying that children need to learn so many things, and summer is a perfect opportunity for them to explore areas that they can expand their school learning.  This is the time to bond with their parents, siblings, and extended family members.  I would like to encourage you to try to go out of your way to spend more time with the children, as these are the occasions that children will remember when they are older. 

Here are some of my ideas as to what you can do with your children.  The list is in no way exhaustive, so feel free to suggest other things you would like to share to others in the comments part of this entry.  I have grouped them, but the activities actually cross over to the other headings as well. 

·         Be active – go out and enjoy the sunshine; learn a new sport; play a regular game of basketball; jog or brisk walk around the neighborhood regularly; go swimming

·         Creative projects – create your own video game (see http://www.sploder.com/); write an essay or a short story; learn to draw/paint; learn a musical instrument; engage in arts and crafts projects; do some carpentry; assemble a model car/plane; assemble your own computer; create your own music video and post it on you tube; design your own web page; start a blog

·         Bond with relatives and friends – hang out at home; have a marathon of family videos; visit cousins and friends; organize the family pictures; arrange regular play dates; play board games as a family; play video games with the children; prepare meals together; wash the car as a family; do general cleaning at home

·         Explore and discover – discover a part of town that has a historical significance; show the children the neighborhood where you grew up; go to a museum; find a park; watch the sunset

·         Help others – volunteer in an orphanage or shelter; volunteer for a cause, such as, Gawad Kalinga or your church; gather old clothes, books and toys to donate; clean up and sell old newspapers, boxes, and empty bottles

Whatever you decide to do, remember that being there with your children already communicates to them that they are important to you.  The interaction between you and your children is integral in parenting, and helps your children learn from you.  Enjoy the summer months!  

Choice Theory and Reality Therapy

For the next two weeks, PsychConsult, Inc. will be running two basic training weeks for Choice Theory and Reality Therapy (CT-RT).  From my knowledge, this will be the first time that this certified training from the William Glasser Institute (USA) will be held in Philippine soil.  Despite the fact that CT-RT began over 40 years ago in California and has been applied in counseling and psychotherapy, schools, and organizations (private sector), few in the Philippines actually know much about CT-RT. 

In my previous post, I talked about Glasser’s Basic Needs and Quality World.  In this entry, I wanted to highlight the basic axioms of Choice Theory and explain how this is used in psychotherapy and counseling. 

Here are the 10 Axioms of Choice Theory according to Dr. Glasser: 

1.      I can only control my own behavior.

2.      The only thing I can give or get from another person is information.  How I/others deal with that information is my/their choice.

3.      All long-lasting psychological problems are ultimately relationship problems.

4.      The problem relationship is always part of my present life.

5.      What happened in the past has everything to do with what I am today, but re-visiting the painful past can contribute little or nothing to improve the present relationship.

6.      I am driven by five basic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom & fun.

7.      I can satisfy my needs only by fulfilling my “Quality World.”

8.      All I can do is to act towards my “Quality World.” 

9.      My experiences are made up of four components: acting, thinking, feeling and physiology.  I can recognize these from the verbs that I often use.   

10.  I can choose to have direct control over my life through the way I act and think.  I can only control my feelings and my physiology indirectly through how I choose to act and think.

From the 10 axioms, we can see that Choice Theory aims to empower the individual to do something about one’s situation.  After all, we only have control over our own behaviors and thoughts, and through them, indirectly control our bodies and emotions.  It is with this understanding that we can make a choice for ourselves.  Only then can we behave towards what we understand to be our “quality world.” 

Reality Therapy is the method of conducting counseling and psychotherapy from the basic tenets and axioms of Choice Theory.  This is the application that counselors and psychotherapists employ in giving life to Choice Theory.  Although each individual can develop their own styles in doing this, there are usual steps that are followed.  In this process, the counselor or psychologist helps the individual realize the power of his/her own choices. 

A typical Reality Therapy session begins by exploring the “quality world” of the person, helping him/her to articulate what they really want and strive for in life.  Remember that an individual’s “quality world” is often known to an individual, but is not frequently articulated.  This is then linked to the basic needs that are tapped by one’s yearnings.  Armed with this clarity, the person is led to think about the necessary choices and steps that can be done in order to get closer to this idea of one’s deeper aspirations.  These steps are then translated to actions that a person is willing to commit to doing, which often leads him/her to cope better with his/her situation. 

In the morning of April 9, 2011 (Saturday),  Sr. Liz Tham, a certified Senior Faculty member of the William Glasser Institute (USA) will be elucidating the concepts of Choice Theory and achieving one’s “Quality World” in a seminar-workshop entitled “Quality Relationships:  The Key to Success and Satisfaction.”  The speaker will address the challenges faced by parents, teachers and just about anybody when dealing with others.  If you or anyone you know are interested to participate, please call PsychConsult, Inc. at (02)4212469, (02)3576427, or (0917)8080193 for details and reservations.  You can also email psychconsult@gmail.com.  Do call as there are limited seats for this event.