When OFW’s Reunite with their Children

Annalyn has mixed feelings about finally joining her parents in Italy.  She is quite excited that she will be living in Europe, and she has heard many wonderful stories about the country where her parents have worked for the past 15 years.  She was only barely three when her mother left to work in the said country, and her father followed a couple of years later.  Unknown to her parents and relatives, she is really very fearful of the move.  She does not know what to expect, and knows very little about the life she is about to face.  Although she loves her parents and has positive feelings towards them, she also does not know them beyond the regular weekly phone conversations they have had over the years and their annual month-long visits to the Philippines.  She is most anxious about leaving behind her aunt and grandmother who have been substitute parents to her all these years.  She is also sad about leaving her friends and the life she knows in the Philippines. 

For some of our kababayans, being able to bring their families to the country where they have been working and living for the past many years is a dream come true.  It is an apparent culmination of what seems to be a lifetime’s worth of striving and scrimping in order to provide well for themselves and their families.  Having their children join them overseas, to share a life together as a family after so many years, is certainly a yearning of many of our OFW’s. 

I can understand that for many OFW parents, being able to get their children to join them is an ultimate goal.  They understand that being together is important.  They might also think about the advantages of having their children live in a wealthier society, and enjoy the amenities and benefits of such an environment.  Ultimately, they are able to provide a better future for themselves and their children, which was the primary goal of working abroad to begin with. 

What many of these OFW parents may not clearly understand is the amount of stress that all these change can bring about to each individual in the family.  The adjustment is simply tremendous, and this change cannot be taken lightly.  For parents, taking on the full time role of managing their older, but not yet adult, children can be quite a handful.  From not having children for many years, they might find themselves having to take care of young people who have minds of their own.  The dynamics between husband and wife will change, as children come into the picture.  On the part of the children, much more drastic adjustment will have to happen.  From living in the Philippines, they find themselves in a totally foreign environment.  They were taken away from their support system at home, be this friends or other relatives, and brought to a very different environment where very little is familiar.  They might even go to a school where the language spoken is totally different from what they are used to hearing and speaking, such as, in the case of Annalyn.   Their daily routines will also markedly change. 

On top of the cultural and daily adjustment that the children have to go through, the gap between who they have become and their parents’ current expectations might have widened over the time that they have not been living together.  All of a sudden, children need to adjust to possibly new ways of managing the household, and even household rules for them to follow.  They might be scolded for behaviors they have never had to correct previously.  On the one hand, their parents could be stricter than their guardians in the Philippines.  On the other hand, their parents may not find the need to be strict with their children and simply let them do as they please.  Either way, children will need to adjust to living with their parents. 

So far, I have highlighted the potential challenges that face parents and children who reunite after years of living apart.  I have made an example of children who join their parents overseas.  However, there are also occasions when parents come back to join their children in the Philippines.  Whatever the case, huge adjustments will have to happen to all parties involved. 

Next week, I shall discuss tips to help in this adjustment.  Meanwhile, I would like to plug our free online counseling service at http://ofwonline.net for OFW’s and their families. 

Forgiveness

            Forgiveness is something often associated with religion and spirituality, and some of you might wonder how it might be related to psychology and mental health.  Forgiveness is really very much a psychological phenomenon.  True forgiveness often brings closure to feelings of loss and pain, being ill-treated and taken advantage of by another.  Such closure often brings about healing and reconciliation with the fact that one had been affected, oftentimes in a rather major life altering way, and that this incident has been a part—albeit undesirable—of  one’s history. 

            From the description above, I am actually saying that forgiveness is not equal to forgetting.  In fact, I believe honoring the memory of the impact of the incident on one’s person is an integral part of forgiveness.  We need to go through all the emotions associated with the person(s) and event(s) that offended us, as they come.  So, remembering is indeed crucial in this process. 

            Yes, forgiving is a process.  Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is not a single event.  It is a series of making the same decision of forgiving over and over again, particularly when one is feeling the negative impact of a specific memory. 

            As you can very well see, saying that true forgiveness is not easy is quite an understatement.  It is indeed a major struggle in one’s life.  It is also a very individual process that may or may not involve the offender.  Some people use the excuse of not being able to forgive because the other person has not directly sought his/her forgiveness.  However, this is not the most important element in forgiveness.  More important is one’s desire to forgive.  If one is still unable to forgive, one may simply wish to work on one’s sincere desire to do so.  Honestly desiring to be able to forgive despite the fact that one is still unable to do so is a healthy initial step in one’s healing.  In as much as we would wish for the offender to admit to his/her fault and seek forgiveness; this is really icing on the cake.  This can certainly sweeten the act of forgiving, but is not the main event.  Much of the work really has to happen within. 

            When one actively confronts the emotions that come to fore in the process of forgiveness, which can range from hate to loathing, fury to vengeance, and sadness to hopelessness, one will start to notice that the emotions lose their intensity.  You will then realize that you are on the right path.  Not long from then, you will be able to develop a different perspective to what had happened to you.  More positive thoughts and emotions will creep in and help rebuild your identity and life.  In the absence of anger, bitterness, pain, and resentment, you will know that you have truly forgiven. 

            With this kind of forgiveness, psychological growth can happen.  It enables one to confront one’s ugly past and live in the present more fully.  Developing a realistic and healthy self concept is an integral part of this healing process.  Appreciating one’s own strengths as well as one’s weaknesses become a good foundation in understanding other people, who also have their own strengths and areas of improvement.  This then promotes healthy relationships and a more fulfilling approach to one’s life. 

Reflections on Success

            Today, I asked a group of college students if they can define “success” in their lives, and if they would know when they have reached it.  Much to my surprise, only a handful of my wide-eyed students said that they had a rough idea what would constitute success for them.  For most of these young people, they had the faintest idea how they would define this concept, and what would constitute as success in life. 

            This week, I invite you to think about this word: success.  Much like happiness and contentment, this word is much talked about and much sought after.  After all, aren’t we doing many of our endeavors in the service of one day attaining this goal?  And yet, it is one of those words in the English language that is not very easy to define. 

            So, how would you define success in your life?  Here are some ideas: 

§  Is it in acquiring and collecting material things and seeking pleasure? 

§  Is it in the acknowledgment of those who matter to us that we are doing good work, whether this is manifested through prestigious awards and citations or just the sight of a happy family? 

§  Is it in being known and achieving fame, being admired by others? 

§  Is it in being able to fulfill a purpose, a sense of mission that is humanistic and perhaps even spiritual? 

§  Is it in establishing and maintaining valuable relationships (e.g., family and friends)? 

§  Is it in simply enjoying one’s life, from one moment to the next, trying not to miss a single heartbeat? 

§  Is it in having power and control over others? 

            Maybe as you look at the list, there is one, possibly two, that appeal to you.  For some, more than just a couple might constitute your idea of success.  Still for others, some other things not mentioned above characterize your idea of success.  Whatever these might be, it is often important to articulate.  If you want, you might even want to write it down. 

            What is the benefit of writing down these ideas of success, maybe even of your happiness?  It is helpful to see what goals you really want to achieve.  Having goals in one’s life helps us anchor and strive towards something better, something beyond our current state. 

            Of course, in looking towards our goals, I am not insinuating that we lament the fact that we are not yet there.  Far from it; in fact, we need to also appreciate what we have now and what we have done so far.  To what extent have we started the path towards these goals?  Maybe we are just beginning, and we have only taken a few steps.  For others, we might be somewhere mid-way, and this exercise helped either clarify these goals or reinforce previous decisions made. 

            Wherever you find yourself, remember that life is never a straight line.  We often traverse the circumstances in our lives in a rather circuitous manner.  And yet, when we look closely enough, we can see that there is a general direction we are heading, and there are recurrent themes in our lives that serve as landmarks in our journey. 

The Effects of Punishment

            Let’s face the truth about the use of punishment in disciplining children:  it is an effective deterrent of certain behaviors.  Not many people will admit that straight out.  But it is true that punishments have been proven to stop certain behaviors from being repeated.  I have met parents who told me that they use punishments, particularly of the physical (corporal) sort, because it is a quick and easy way to manage their children’s behaviors.  And they are possibly right, at least in the short-term.  One does not have to be very creative in implementing such a scheme. 

            Despite this, however, general effects of punishment can bring about many other considerations that are not intended results of such a scheme.  We can think of these as the “side effects” of using punishments in disciplining children.   We can easily deny that they happen and that our child will not react in this manner, but studies show that most children will react to punishments in at least some of the following ways: 

·         Punishment can bring about unintended negative feelings, such as, fear and anger;

·         These feelings are often detrimental in effective learning of new lessons;

·         Punishment can bring about a general suppression of all behaviors;

·         The use of punishment often entails 24/7 guarding of the child’s behavior, which is often unrealistic for most parents;

·         As we are modeling hurtful behaviors to our children, we are actually indirectly teaching them that it is okay to hurt others when they did something wrong; and

·         The use of physical punishment on children can easily justify acts of abuse. 

Allow me to explain each of these. 

            Oftentimes, children who are punished keep feelings of not being understood, hurt, fear, anger, and resentment.  They may not express these feelings to their parents, but that does not mean that they do not have these reactions.  Such often unexpressed negative emotions can cause children to feel sufficiently distressed so that their capacity to learn is disrupted.  And if the main reason for discipline is to teach, then we have already failed in this most crucial of goals.  And then, children will tend to generalize the restriction of their behaviors so much so that they may suppress all behaviors in the presence of the punishing parent. 

            As with any other strategy—but more so for punishments—we need to be consistent in monitoring our children’s behavior so that they are punished for every infraction committed.  This will ensure the effectiveness of the strategy.  This means that we need to punish each and every undesirable behavior the child demonstrates.  Otherwise, they are bound to fail in the goal to eradicate the behavior across various settings and contexts.  Now, how can actually watch their children 24/7?  This is a task that is next to impossible.  And so, using this strategy is often not maximized. 

            Next on this list are the all important implicit lessons we are teaching our children in physically punishing them for doing something that we do not approve.  We are really modeling this sort of behavior.  For younger children, we might consequently see them hitting other children when they do not like what the other children are doing to them.  For elder children, they will display aggressive behaviors towards others as well.  This is one of the more serious repercussions of using punishments as a discipline tool.  

            As if these reasons are not enough to show how punishments are really quite undesirable, the use of corporal punishments in parenting is only a fraction of a step away from using our power as parents to take advantage of the less powerful position of our children.  This is the pattern that can be seen among those who commit abusive acts. 

            And so despite the apparent short-term gains of using punishments on children, the disadvantages and unintended effects far outweigh these advantages.  So, the next time you are tempted to use punishments, do weigh your pros and cons.  You might want to consider giving consequences (see the previous week’s post) instead.   

On Punishments and Consequences

            Parents often use punishments on children to stop certain behaviors.  Of course, the main reason why this is so is that they believe that punishments are good deterrents to certain unwanted behaviors.  They believe that behaviors that are punished will be done less by their children.  This is how many of us were raised as children.  We often find ourselves reasoning that if it was effective then, it should be effective now. 

            Punishments take many forms.  It can be as mild as withdrawing a favorite part of a meal (e.g., soft drinks or dessert maybe?) or as severe as physical (corporal) punishment.  This entire range of behavioral deterrents may be used by parents in varying degrees in the name of disciplining children. 

            What is discipline and what role does it have in parenting our children?  Instilling discipline is about training our children to be able to think for themselves, teaching them to decide for themselves.  It is probably one of the most difficult and extended tasks in parenting.  First, it is being able to set clear limits, the few and well defined non-negotiables, that are important for you as a parent (e.g., always treat oneself and others with respect, never physically hurt oneself or others, etc.).  Second, I say it is difficult because it challenges parents not to judge children, but to help children judge their behaviors (i.e., criticize the behavior, not the child).  Third, instilling discipline occasionally entails the sacrifice of allowing our children to make mistakes, and to be present to help them up and foster learning from these mistakes.  These challenges are not resolved after only one instance.  Parents need to stay constantly vigilant to the children’s behaviors in order to instill this life-long discipline. 

            Now that I have defined what I believe discipline constitutes, I want to clarify what it is not.  Whenever I speak to parents, I often hear how respect and discipline is equated to fear.  The child needs to fear their parent in order for them to be obedient and know right from wrong.  I believe this assumed equivalence between discipline and fear is dangerous because it is all too often the reason why children are physically maltreated and abused. 

            I guess the best kinds of punishments are those that can best be called “consequences.”  By this word, I really mean something that is a direct result of what a child did or failed to do.  For example, when a child refuses to take a bath, he risks being shunned by others because he does not smell nice.  This might be a natural consequence of the child’s behaviors.  Parents can also set up artificial consequences.  For instance, if a child refuses to share his toy with his sibling, a parent might decide to temporarily confiscate the toy from that child until he is willing to share.  This might be an artificial consequence to not sharing.  The best methods of using consequences are those that: 

1)      Immediately follow the behavior being corrected;

2)      Directly relate to the behavior;

3)      Are proportionate to the offense made;

4)      The child can predict; and

5)      Also encourage alternative and more appropriate behaviors. 

            As I speak about consequences, I hope I am also making a clear link between this strategy and the kind of discipline I believe effective parenting often possesses.  I am also building a case against the use of physical and corporal punishments.  In my next post, I will be discussing the ill effects of using these kinds of punishments.