School Refusal

Joey is a 6-year old boy who started attending Grade 1 of a big elementary school recently. From the first day of classes, he had been showing signs that he did not want to attend school. He behaved similarly when he was in preschool, particularly in the first few days after school opening. He was enrolled in at least 3 preschools before he was convinced by one of his teachers to attend school more regularly. His parents thought that he would outgrow this by the time he was ready for big school, but he appeared not to do as they had expected.


It has been almost a month since school started for most students in the Philippines. And by this time, school work is going full speed ahead. The rhythm of waking up early to beat the morning rush hour, doing homework, and studying for the upcoming quizzes and exams have also probably taken hold of the daily routine.

By this time, some parents may be out of their wits on what to do with their children who refuse to go to school. Some children just quietly refuse to go to school. Others might put up a major tantrum whenever they are encouraged to attend school. In these situations, teachers and school counselors are also putting in their share to support these students.

Fortunately, school refusal is not a very common problem. Nevertheless, it is a difficult situation for parents who have to face this predicament.

Unlike truancy, the situation when a child or adolescent intentionally plans and actually skips classes, school refusal is not an act of defiance. The child or adolescent does not really wish to disobey his or her parents. Oftentimes, they also have no words to describe their own experience. They often do not even understand why they feel the way they do, and the best response they have is to refuse to go to school and remain in the comfort of their home. They would rather endure the persistent urgings for them to return to school than face the overwhelming negative feelings of going to school.

For these children and adolescents, fear, worry and anxiety are likely prominent in their internal experience. Without really knowing why they feel the way they feel or what made them feel that way, they can only express their refusal to go to school. Some of these young people may actually be experiencing clinical depression and/or an anxiety disorder.

In helping our youth who refuse to go to school, a balance needs to be made in acknowledging and addressing their inner experiences and in challenging them to attend school at the soonest possible time. In this labored process, understanding the extent to which the school is able to accommodate the special needs of a child is integral. Having an understanding school administrator with open teachers and skillful guidance counselors are certainly a key to getting effective results. Most importantly, parents need to show their unwavering support in the journey of these children.

Fortunately for Joey, his parents brought him to see a psychologist, who managed to coordinate a treatment plan with his family and teachers. Initially, Joey spent an hour in the guidance counselor’s office. At least, he agreed to be in school for that duration than not at all. His time in school gradually increased to two hours and then three. In a few weeks’ time, he was able to attend regular classes.

The Magic Ratio towards a Healthy Marriage

A healthy marriage is hard to define. Marriages, like individuals, are unique; no two are alike. Something that one couple might consider very natural in their relationship might very well be viewed as rather strange by another set of partners.

When psychologists tried to understand what makes a couple remain intact in marriage, they found one curious ingredient that appeared more often among couples who tended to stay together longer. It is the magic ratio of 5 is to 1. That means that for every time that these couples who tend to stay together longer have some kind of misunderstanding; they have had about 5 positive interactions between them as well. Now, the positive interactions are not all major loving acts. They can be as simple interactions that strengthen their marital bond, such as, simple knowing glances, giving each other compliments, and casual affectionate touching.

This 5:1 ratio is quite simple to remember. We only need to translate it to small acts of kindness that we can do to our spouses. Remember that we do not have to engage in major demonstrations of devotion to our spouse. We only need to do simple daily (sometimes even moment-to-moment) acts that communicate to our spouse that we do care for them.

To further reinforce the magic ratio, here are 4 basic tips that both husband and wife can practice to ensure a happy, healthy marriage:

• Listen. Before making the other person understand what we think, learn to listen to what the other person thinks. This can be achieved by being in tune and listening to both the verbal and nonverbal signs. Do not assume that you know and understand; it is important to clarify.
• Accept. We need take who the other person is as wholeheartedly as possible. As we learn to understand the other person’s language, we need to accept all that is said. We cannot change the other person. We can only try to change ourselves.
• Affirm. Acknowledge what you understand and accept. Give your spouse frequent and sincere compliments. Through words and actions, communicate to your spouse that you understand him/her in the way that he/she understands him/herself.
• Demonstrate your love. In ways that the other person understands, demonstrate that you love your spouse. You may want to do things that he/she likes regularly. Send thoughtful text messages every so often. Say “I love you” as often as you can. Touch each other affectionately as often as possible.

Psychological Evaluation using Standardized Tests

Psychological tests are very common nowadays, although many of us do not quite realize this fact. Many entrance procedures to schools and work places include some form of screening process that requires applicants to answer some kind of questionnaire or ability measure. Others might require a better understanding of certain personal characteristics relevant to the position for which one is applying.

Psychological evaluations are mostly conducted using a combination of procedures that include the following: direct observations, interviews, and the use of various standardized tests for the purpose of gaining a better understanding of the person being evaluated. These evaluations are conducted for a broad array of contexts and purposes.

The use of standardized tests is unique to psychologists. No other professionals are trained to conceptualize, develop, administer, and interpret psychological tests except psychologists. However, some individuals who are not psychologists might be trained to give specific psychological tests for specific purposes. Some trainors, for instance, might use a specific personality test as one of the tools they use in their workshops and seminars.

There are many kinds of psychological tests, but these can be divided into two general categories, which are as follows: aptitude tests and personality tests. Aptitude tests are the ones used to evaluate a person’s abilities or level of mastery in a specific skill area. This includes IQ tests and achievements tests mostly used in schools. Proficiency tests in specific skill areas also fall in the same category. Personality tests include tools that attempt at understanding certain traits and characteristics of the person.

Standardized tests are called such not only because they are administered and interpreted in much the same way every time they are used, but also because they went through a rigorous process of development. Most, if not all, the time, there is a sound and well accepted theory in understanding people that underlie these tests. The tests are often developed over a period of years, when they are tested with various groups of individuals to prove consistent results across a reasonably long period of time. The theory that was used to develop the scale is also somewhat proven when the tests go through various procedures that reasonably guarantee that they measure what they claim to measure.

Psychologists are trained to understand the principles underlying these tests and the way they have been developed. This basic understanding aids the professional to approximate an understanding of a person given a particular context and purpose.

Personal Effectiveness through Values Clarification

In the last few years, I have been running groups for young people who wanted to become more personally effective. In the way we understood effectiveness in a personal context, we always included the idea of having at least some congruence between what one thought was important to him or her and how that person conducted him/herself on a day to day basis. In other words, being personally effective meant that one needed to know what was important to him/her and to make sure that these priorities were reflected in one’s daily life.

This is when we talked about values. Values are a set of beliefs held by an individual or shared by a group of people. In as much as values can be shared with a group of people, these beliefs are often very subjective and do vary from one individual to another. They often also form a constellation of beliefs that is called values system.

Although our values can change over time, they often guide our behaviors. As such, knowing our values is one way to help us clarify what is really important to us and to make sure that our behaviors are congruent with our value system. Only with such understanding can we evaluate the way we behave. With such self-monitoring evaluations, we are able to help ourselves become more effective.

There are many ways through which one can clarify one’s values. The steps outlined below are particularly useful for those who have never done any similar exercise before. As the steps described below is admittedly time consuming, one may do these steps across a period of time (e.g., 2 hours a week for a period of 2 months) rather than in one sitting. Here are the steps:

• List down your priorities. Write down what/who you care about in your current life in no particular order.
• Understand what makes them important to you. For each of the items you listed, write down what makes it important for you. How do you feel about this particular matter/person in your life? How does the presence of this in your life make a difference for you? Be honest. After all, you are doing this for yourself. It is important to note that this is the most time consuming step, and you may spend the most time doing this, even going to back to items a few times over.
• Prioritize. Rank all the items you listed in order or importance to you (e.g., “1” can be the most important, in descending order).
• Understand the priorities list. List down the elements of your choices. In other words, what made you choose your first priority as such? What made them so important to you?
• Compare priorities list with your actual daily schedule. Using this list of priorities, list down the amount of time (given a typical week or month, perhaps) you spend doing activities address each of these priorities.
• Congratulate yourself. At this point, congratulate yourself for getting this far in the process. This means that you are serious in wanting to become more personally effective.
• Evaluate your daily schedule. What consistencies or discrepancies did you notice between your list of priorities and actual time spent doing these?
• Identify realistic goals. What changes can you make in your life given the insights gained from the earlier steps? How can you improve your state of personal effectiveness?
• Commit to improvement. No matter how small, commit to some action plan that you will undertake given a specific time frame. Make sure you are also able to evaluate how you were able to implement these changes in your life.

 The steps I just outline, if followed properly, can be a powerful experience in setting your life on a track that makes sense to you. As your behaviors become more and more consistent with what is truly important to you (otherwise known as the “bottom line”), you will also notice that you become increasingly more satisfied with the way your life is going. Now, that is personal effectiveness.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a much misunderstood emotion. Many people dread it and would rather not experience it at all. And yet, it is a very normal reaction to any kind of change that we anticipate in our lives.


What is anxiety? It is both a physical and psychological event that is felt by the body and experienced in the way of thoughts, feelings and behaviors. It is an unpleasant sensation that is often accompanied by a foreboding feeling, apprehension, fear, and worry. Unlike fear, however, anxiety is felt in anticipation of something that is just about to happen, rather than something that one is currently confronting. In anxiety, what is feared is an outcome or an eventuality rather than the actual occurrence.

What is the purpose of anxiety? Although not desired, it actually helps people become more vigilant of the environment and to see what can be done to improve one’s situation. It is a protective mechanism that all of us have!

I wonder if you have ever used your anxiety to make yourself act on something fast. I know I do that to myself every so often. It is a good and effective way to get myself to do something I have been dragging my feet to do. This is when anxiety can be rather useful. It gives us the motivation and energy to do what we feel we need to do.

So, when does anxiety become a problem? Simply put, anxiety becomes a problem when it gets out of control. It becomes a problem when our anxiety interferes with our daily functioning longer than it is effective. For instance, our anxiety can cause us to lose both our sleep and our appetite. This can have repercussions on both our physical and mental wellbeing over time when it is not addressed properly.

So, what can help? There are many interventions for anxiety. Simple breathing exercises, as I have written about in an earlier post in this blog often give some relief. The same goes for other relaxation exercises. Of course, consulting a mental health professional, such as, a psychologist or psychiatrist can also prove to be helpful.

What is Mental Health?

One of the most difficult concepts to define is the idea of mental health. In school, much of our learning is focused on mental illness and dysfunctional behaviors that we often overlook what are mentally healthy and functional behaviors.

As Asians, we have a difficult time separating our physical wellbeing with our mental wellbeing. In fact, in some discussions I have had with fellow Filipino psychologists, we could not find an exact translation for the concept of “mental health” or even just for the word “mental” for that matter. In fact, when we experience pain, it can both be physical as well as emotional. And so, there is a real difficulty in explaining the idea of mental health to many Asians.

And yet, mental health is something that we need to understand as well as we can if we are to work towards it. And making it a goal is certainly a very good thing for anyone.

So, what are the most important features of a person who strives towards mental health? Most psychologists would agree in the following:

• Capacity to enjoy life. This does not mean that they are never sad and are always enthusiastic. It simply means that they understand the choices they have and make full use of this knowledge to serve their purposes. They know how to enjoy themselves and maximize the potentials of any given situation, even when there is very little in which to take pleasure.
• Resilience. This begins with a good understanding of their inner strengths and areas of improvement. With this knowledge, they are able to maximize what they know about themselves to adjust to any given situation. They are able to admit their own readiness to face certain situations and bounce back as quickly as they can when faced with challenges and adversities.
• Balanced life. Mentally healthy people are also rather well adjusted in their lives. They are able to balance the extremes in their lives. They are able to take care of the basics, such as, eating balanced meals, sleeping well, and exercising regularly. They also need some alone time, to be quiet and to connect with themselves. There is also time to connect with others and to enjoy the company of friends, to be intimate with at least one other person.
• Ability to adapt. As events unfold in one’s life, one needs to be able to adjust to various circumstances. A mentally healthy person is able to do adjust to various circumstances and people. They accept their faults and failures and are open to improving themselves.
• Self-actualization. People who are well are able to work towards self-actualization. As I wrote in a previous entry, these people “are able to maximize their potentials and become the persons they have always wanted to become. Such people are often able to accept themselves for who they are. Similarly, they are also able to accept others in equal measure. They face reality squarely and are able to adapt themselves in ways that accommodate the situation they face. “

 After writing what makes a person mentally healthy, I do understand that it is an ideal that cannot be fully attained by any one person. I guess that is why there is always room for even better mental health no matter where you are in your life. It is a goal that we can all strive towards.

Back-to-School Preparations

In a few days, most schools in the Philippines will be starting a new school year. By now, parents typically have enrolled their children in their preferred schools, and have gone out to do at least some shopping for some school supplies and personal use items.

Whereas all these routines are good rituals to follow in preparing ourselves and our children for the upcoming change of routine (i.e., from the relatively less structure of the vacation period to the more rigorous demands of school time), what other things do you do to prepare yourselves and your children psychologically? My post this week will focus on some tips you might find useful.

One thing that might help in preparing both ourselves and our children is to review the school routine with them before school actually starts. For instance, we can simply start telling stories of how the past school year was like and how the coming school year might be the same or different. This is particularly good for children who have attended school before. Getting your children to talk about their thoughts and feelings about the coming school year is a good way to find out what their experience is like. In a very casual environment, just listen to them; that’s the most important part. Get as much information from them as you can. These are already potential topics for future conversations and explorations, particularly when the school actually starts.

Another thing that we can do is to start rehearsing the usual daily routine of school time. This can take the form or simply sleeping and waking up as if school had already begun. We might even want to give our child an alarm clock to let them take responsibility for their own sleeping and waking time. Having the children prepare what clothes they are going to wear the following day is also a good practice.

Taking things a step further, we might also want to start picking up the homework routine even before school starts. We can review past lessons or do the first few lessons on their textbooks. Another way of just getting the children to condition themselves with studying again is to do some kind of reading; any story or topic will do. Filling up some puzzles or playing some age appropriate educational computer or board games will also do. The idea is for them to start going back to doing the usual kind of thinking they have to do when they are in school, and to have that kind of routine of doing some work on a daily basis.

Finally, I do need to say that all the above needs to be done in as light hearted and fun way as possible. Remember that children learn faster and retain more information when they are sufficiently relaxed while somewhat curiously excited. Let us do what we can to keep such an environment going, both at the start of the school year and as we journey through the rest of the year.