Edgar is already 21 years old and fresh out of college. For most of his life, he had focused almost exclusively on his school work. He did rather well, if grades were the only measure of success. Edgar never made friends and mostly kept to himself. All his hobbies were solitary activities, mostly involving the computer. Even his conversations with the most important people in his life, his family, were limited to the day-to-day practical essentials. He never really needed to connect with anyone. As Edgar was growing up, his parents never really paid too much attention on his apparently lagging social skills. They simply thought he would outgrow it. After all, he appears reasonably intelligent anyway.
As Edgar enters the world of work, he finds himself in situations where he cannot avoid interacting with other people. Some projects are even done in teams. To cut the long story short, his ineptness in dealing with people quickly surface and he finds himself overwhelmed. He does not quite understand what is going on when others interact with him. Apart from the literal meaning of the words used, he does not quite understand much else. And so, he finds himself being the brunt of other people’s impatience. He then finds his social environment unpleasant. Not long after, he quits work.
Social skills are among the most complex set of skills that everyone needs to learn, and basic intelligence (school smarts) is not enough to understand the complexities of even everyday human social interaction. And so, parents really need to be watchful if their child is not behaving as expected in various social situations. Of course, not everyone will be bubbly lives- of- the-party types, but everyone needs at least one friend with whom they can interact and connect. In social situations, we like our children to behave appropriately.
Effectively interacting with people entails many sets of skills. The most basic social skills entail understanding the usual conventions in social interaction. This includes the following: establishing and maintaining eye contact, using proper greetings, introducing oneself when necessary, using polite words, at least two strategies in starting and ending conversations, etc. More sophisticated social skills entail more flexibility with the rules and adjusting to the nuances of situations. These skills usually include the following: understanding and responding to both verbal and nonverbal cues from other people, the use of humor, empathy and ensuring that others feel good about themselves in the interaction, etc.
Many people learn the nuances of social skills without them ever being taught these skills formally. We pick them up in actual circumstances, sometimes from the example of others and other times when we reflect about our own behavior in a given situation. Although many might think that social skills are learned in time and will naturally occur, not all children will learn social skills in this way. There are some children who will only learn social skills adequately if they are taught these skills directly. This is particularly true of people who are not very much attracted to being with people and interacting with others.
Children need to learn social skills very early. In fact, as soon as they are three years old, interactions with peers become a good source for learning appropriate social skills. This is the primary reason preschool is so important. As the child gets older, social skills are further enhanced.
As for Edgar, learning social skills as an adult would be more difficult; not impossible, but difficult. He will need a lot of perseverance and tolerance for making mistakes. He also needs to be open in changing old habits and reaching out to others a bit more. These are huge challenges as his habits and preferences become more set.
On the morning of March 5, 2011 (Saturday), PsychConsult, Inc. will be sponsoring a FREE back-to-back talks. I will be giving a talk on strategies in dealing with school bullying and my colleague Ms. Berny Go will be discussing teaching children social skills. I will be explaining the systemic approach to addressing this phenomenon of bullying. If you or anyone you know are interested to participate, please call PsychConsult, Inc. at (02)4212469 for reservations. Do call as there are limited seats for this event.
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