Rules in Disciplining Children

            Rules and limits are important in disciplining children.  In order to establish a sense of responsibility in our children, we need to be clear about our expectations of them.  In effectively guiding our youngsters, parents often are unclear as to how rules need to be stated and implemented, both at home and outside. 

            In many families that I meet, however, rules are not explicitly stated.  They are often embedded or implicit in the daily habits and values that parents impart to their children.  These values are encountered in day to day interactions.  For example, discouraging children from talking back at older people implicitly teaches the children to respect elders and to do so in this manner.  With repeated encounters of this, the child learns what is appropriate from inappropriate behaviors. 

            In as much as there is nothing wrong with the style of parenting I just described, a clear articulation of rules to children is often an effective and purposive way to guide our youth.  This begins with being clear about your priorities and values that you would like to pass on to your children.  There is really no clear right or wrong here, but rather a choice that each parent needs to make.  For that matter, both parents also need to agree on what these values and priorities need to be emphasized.  In following the earlier example, parents might decide that respect for elders is a very important value they want their children to imbibe.  And so, this might be emphasized and stated as such.  It is also important to clarify how this rule is seen and heard.  What are the word and actions that would show that a child respects his or her parents? 

            Another matter that parents need to decide when creating and implementing rules is making a decision on the level of importance a particular rule might have.  We can then categories the rules and expectations we have according to what we think are negotiable and what are non-negotiable.  For instance, respect for elders might be held in great importance and is a non-negotiable at all times.  On the other hand, being prompt or being on time might not be as important.  Whereas promptness is still a rule that is enforced, it is implemented less sternly and a compromise will likely be entertained when expectations are not met.   

            This idea of clarifying negotiable from non-negotiable rules at home is integral in communicating to children that all these behaviors are important, but there are some things that take precedence over others.  Now some of us might be tempted to just make all rules non-negotiable and make everything clear from the beginning.  This might not work as effectively because we naturally have short attention spans and poor memories.  Realistically, we can only remember three to five things that will be given priority.  Many of the others might be neglected, especially when there are many rules and guidelines to remember.  And so, parents also need to limit the number of non-negotiable rules, and anywhere from one to five would suffice.  Try to make them general (e.g., “respect elders,” rather than “always use ‘po’ and ‘opo.’”) so that the rules have a broader applicability.  Writing them down in places where children can access them is also a good idea, to help reinforce the idea of the most important rules to follow. 

            In the end, being clear about what is important to us as individuals will guide us to making rules clear.  We also need to identify how these values are manifested in words and deeds.  Only then can we really communicate what we want to impart to our children.