Of Basic Needs and Inner Harmony

In my observation, much of the misunderstanding and conflicts among people take root in the reality or the perception that one or more needs of those involved are not being fulfilled. On the surface level, the conflict might be simply understood from the judgment that one is at fault—that he is being too demanding or hurtful or that he wants more than his fair share. At the risk of sounding too simplistic, I think that most conflicts arise from the misunderstanding of each other’s needs. This may have been borne out of assuming that the other person (should) knows what we want (quite magically, sometimes even without us saying so to the other person) or just a preoccupation with fulfilling our own needs that we forget that other people have needs that we can also help fulfill. Interestingly, what I just described appears to be true for many people, both young and old.

Having said that, what are our basic needs? According to American Psychiatrist William Glasser, we only have 5 basic needs. These include the following:

1. Survival – This includes food and drink, shelter, comfort, safety, good health, and the need to reproduce. These are probably the most basic of our needs.

2. Love and Belong – Relationships, social connections, giving and receiving affection, and feeling part of a group are all part of this. This highlights the social nature of our existence. We need others and we need to feel connected and that we belong to a group we find meaning in joining.

3. Power – The need to achieve, to feel and be competent, to be skilled, to be recognized for one’s achievements, to be listened to, and to have a sense of self-worth are all included in this need for Power. Take note that this need, as it is defined by Dr. Glasser, is not exactly what we think about when we think about the word “power.” This need does not speak of being influential and controlling other people and being a leader. Instead, it speaks of the power we feel within ourselves.

4. Freedom – This need encompasses striving towards independence and autonomy, to know that one has choices and to have the ability to take control of the direction of one’s life.

5. Fun – This need helps us enjoy ourselves in finding pleasure, in playing and laughing, and learning important life skills from these activities.

Bob Hoglund explains Dr. William Glasser's "5 Basic Needs"


Having understood these basic needs, I would like to invite you to apply this knowledge on yourself. In fact, there are many ways that this can be done. For now, however, let me just introduce the strategy I call DUST, which represents the 4 steps in taking ownership of the responsibility to fulfill your own needs and to understand the needs of others. You can begin by thinking about a conflict you are in; it could be a small misunderstanding or a major, even long standing, altercation. Then, go through the following steps by asking yourself the questions below each step:

1. Dissect the situation
• What was the conflict all about?
• What did I want from the other person/situation?
• If I got what I wanted, would I feel better and end the conflict?

2. Understand my need(s)
• What does this thing that you want represent to you? Why is it so important?
• What is it I really want for myself?
• In other words, what needs would be fulfilled if you got it?

3. Satisfy my need(s)
• What can I do that is realistic to fulfill my need without relying on another person?
• Remember that this step will only work if you stick to fulfilling the innermost need, rather than just getting what you want on the surface level.

4. Try if it works
• Be honest with yourself and see to what extent you can fulfill your own needs.
• This might mean letting go of wanting that something you expected from the other person. Forgiving that person who cannot/will not give what you wanted might be an important step as well.
• A word of caution: if you expect to be satisfied in the same way as getting exactly what you wanted from the beginning, you might be disappointed. What I can only guarantee is that you will feel happy after honestly going through these steps.

In the end, if you feel that this has worked for you, teach it to other people. You might even want to teach it to that person with whom you had a conflict. If you are able to communicate honestly with each other about your innermost needs, then your relationship would have already grown.