Negotiation as Conflict Resolution





Being in conflict with someone can be very stressful; it can drain much energy from anyone.  Be it at home or at work, when we have a conflicted relationship with a person who is part of our lives in one way or another, we are often unable to deny the fact that we are at least somewhat affected. 

Because of the many thoughts and reactions we might have in face of a conflict, we are often unable to think clearly about the situation and react to what we perceive is going on.  Because we are feeling hurt or disadvantaged—even taken advantage of in some instances—we tend to think that our misery was caused by the other person.  “If only that person did this or did not do this, I would be better off,” we might think to ourselves.  Most or all the blame for one’s sad state tends to fall on the other person. 

When we are feeling vulnerable over a situation, the typical reaction is to protect oneself.  This can take the form of keeping to oneself, finding shelter to protect ourselves from further harm.  We can also launch an attack at our aggressor, whether we do this through active or passive means.  Passive means include doing nothing and omitting some expected actions to warrant notice, and sometimes, to inflict harm.  For instance, this can happen when a wife decides to stop cooking for her husband one day as a response to feeling hurt over something.  A friend can also ignore another person as a way of inflicting guilt over what the other had done.  Active means are direct confrontations and acts that cause harm on the other person. 

When we find ourselves in these conflicted situations with other people, matters can deteriorate very quickly.  Our ill feelings towards the person and the situation can make us want to either avoid and end the relationship all together or to escalate the interactions into ever increasing intensities of aggression.  We can then lose control, and the whole scenario turns ugly. 

Before anything turns ugly, I invite each one to step back and to look inside.  You might want to ask yourself the following questions: 

·         What bothered or hurt you in this situation? 

·         Now that this situation has happened and we can no longer turn back the hands of time, what can you do to make things better for yourself? 

·         How valuable is this relationship to you?  How much are you willing to give to be able to keep this relationship? 

·         What did I do wrong in this whole situation, whether at the start or in reaction to my own hurt feelings? 

·         What can I do to admit my faults to the other person? 

·         What can I do to make amends for the wrong that I have done? 

·         Thinking realistically, what would I want the other person to do to assuage my hurt? 

As you are able to answer these questions for yourself, invite the other person to answer the same questions as well.  If needed, you can invite a mutual friend or respected person to mediate between the two of you. 

            In answering the questions above, you are turning the conflict into a problem that needs to be solved, and not a fight you are aiming to win.  Only when both parties are able to lay down their cards on the table honestly, bearing only realistic expectations of oneself and others, can conflicts be better managed.