Dont Just Do It; Do It Better!

            Whenever we discipline children, there is a tendency to say all the things and behaviors they should avoid.  After a while, our children learns our language and starts talking in the form of not doing something or avoiding something that is considered inappropriate or wrong. 

            There is something curious about this way that we typically talk or discipline others.  Here’s a demonstration.  I would like to ask you NOT to think of a green mango.  Whatever you do, DO NOT think of a green mango! So, what image flashed in your mind?  Of course, it’s a green mango.  For those who are quick thinkers, you may have thought of a green mango for a split second and obediently shifted your thoughts to something else.  This does not erase the fact that you thought of it first and cancelled the thought soon after that. 

            This example highlights a basic way that our minds work.  There is an absence of negation in our consciousness.  That means, in order for us to negate something, we need to think about it first. 

            So what’s the implication of this? When we are disciplining children who have very limited experience in the world, simply saying what they are NOT supposed to do will only make them think about this action.  In the event that we are dealing with a rather impulsive young person, we actually introduced to them an image of what they should not do.  This is already an image in their heads, which can be carried out more easily. 

            What I suggest is to always explore alternative behaviors whenever we want to correct an inappropriate behavior.  We need to make this part of our conversation with our children, even when we are just talking of everyday things.  When we do this, we need to take into account the interests and tendencies of the child.  For example, we cannot simply ignore the level of physical activity of a child and suggest to him or her to sit down and read a book instead, when they are climbing up and down our furniture.  We need to seriously consider the interests and needs of that child at that time, and help him or her find alternatives that would be acceptable to you and realistic for the child.  The child might be allowed to go run around the house instead of climbing up and down glass tabletops, for instance. 

            Finding alternative behaviors is not always very obvious.  Oftentimes, it entails some deliberation and brainstorming.  Whenever we engage our child in such conversations, we need to take the problem solving stance, rather than the parent disciplining stance.  When we take on such a stance, we can clarify our needs, desires and intentions while we also clarify the child’s needs, desires and intentions.  One way of clarifying this is through understanding William Glasser’s 5 basic needs (as posted on 30 April 2010 on this blog), and how our own needs interplay with our child’s needs.  Only when we are able to accommodate such an understanding can we help our children solve their own problems while considering not only their own needs, but the needs of others as well. 

            So, finding alternative behaviors is way of not just doing it, but doing it better!