Managing Anger

            Anger is often a difficult emotion.  Since young, many of us were disciplined for expressing our anger, particularly towards our authority figures.  And so, many of us learned to keep our anger inside, even denying its existence in more than some instances.  Even as we deprive ourselves the experience of this emotion, we occasionally still see its ugly head pop out in our consciousness.  We might even lose our cool once in a while, and let out a mouthful or fistful of bile.   

            If there is anything about feelings—anger included—there is a clear need to acknowledge these internal experiences in order for them to run their course.  Once we affirm that we do feel that way, and identify the external events and personal interpretation given to these events, they frequently proceed to run their course.  After all, anger is a very natural reaction, a feeling that everyone experiences.  Of course, we need to be willing to let go of this anger in order for them to run their course. 

            We can always choose to hang on to these feelings and dwell on them.  This is sometimes the experience of those who have been hurt and want to take revenge.  They believe that the only way they will feel better and finally let go of their hurt is when they have gotten even with the one who cause them pain.  Although this seems logical and revenge may sometimes bring about the satisfaction of overpowering our adversary, it may also beget more violence in the future.  This can happen when the other side wishes to settle matters in the same way, and the cycle takes longer to end (if it really does). 

            And so, dealing with one’s emotions and owning up to them is often a mature and healthy way of managing one’s internal experiences.  With anger, being aware of it and acknowledging its presence is a good first step.  We might even want to rate the level of our anger (say, from 1-10, with 1 being slightly irritated and 10 being furious).  As we take responsibility for our feelings, we might try to help ourselves lower our emotional reactions to a point that we would be able to think more rationally about the situation.  Until that time, we might just decide to disengage and to do some relaxation exercises.  This can be done through simple diaphragmatic breathing or through the visualization of happier times (see entry on this blog dated 13 March 2010).  At this time, we might choose to walk away and to be alone. 

            For some people, engaging in strenuous physical activity can help them release the energy that anger often brings.  Running, punching pillows or bags, shadow boxing, swimming and other such activities can be effective in accomplishing this goal. 

            When there is a need to express our feelings and sentiments, it is best to do so when we are able to think rationally about our own reactions, and how we would like the situation to change.  For this to happen, we might want to take on three steps, namely, express, ask, and negotiate.  First, we might want to say how we felt and what caused us to feel that way, stating both what the other party did and how we interpreted that action to mean.  Then, we ask for what we want, whether that be a change in behavior or an apology for the damage done.  When necessary, we might then take on the third step of negotiating.  When we are able to give as well as take, we find solutions that are amicable for both parties.  In taking on these steps, we need to carry ourselves in a manner that is firm, gentle, and always respectful.  Only then can we say that we are being rational and mature about managing our anger.