IQ vs. EQ

            Intelligence is a rather controversial topic.  It is much desired but little understood. 

            IQ stands for Intelligence Quotient.  It is called such because there was a time when the age equivalent of one’s performance in certain predefined tasks was divided by one’s current age, and the quotient is multiplied by 100 to arrive at a score.  If a person performed at par with age expectations, the score that you will get would fall on or roughly approximate 100.  Following this logic, the higher one’s score is from 100, the more intelligent that person, and the lower it is from 100, the less intelligent.  Although intelligence tests have veered away from this concept of age expectations for at least the last 50 or so years, the name IQ continues to represent a single number that supposedly summarized one’s intellectual abilities.  

            So, what’s the hype with IQ scores, and so what if one has a very high IQ score?  Time and again, research in the west show that current IQ tests are only related to one’s performance in school.  It has little or nothing to do with one’s happiness, work life, family life, or even future success. 

            Over the last decade or so, the term EQ was popularized by Time magazine, when it featured Daniel Goleman’s book called Emotional Intelligence.  EQ was certainly a spin on the more popularly known IQ.  In this book, Goleman highlighted the research of how socio-emotional skills were more reliable indicators of happiness and success in one’s life.  Although there is no test that can definitively measure one’s so-called “emotional intelligence,” Goleman summarized the pervading knowledge about how personal clarity and emotional management can lead to a personal sense of wellbeing and success in various aspects of life. 

            Emotional intelligence begins with understanding oneself well, and striving towards ever greater understanding as one goes through one’s experiences.  It then leads to an acceptance of the person that one is, warts and all.  With this understanding comes a workable mastery of one’s reactions and eccentricities.  One is then able to take responsibility and to find ways to deal with one’s reactions to people, situations, and events.  Over time, one is able to manage one’s emotions well enough to pay attention to and to address other people’s feelings and reactions.  This involves a dynamic process of doing constant self-checks and responding to relevant cues from others.   

            It is said that it is one’s IQ that lands one in a good job, but it is one’s EQ that enables that person to keep that job and to even get promoted.  To some extent this statement is true, depending, of course, on the kind of job we are talking about.  Suffice it to say that when an endeavor requires working with other people, be they superiors, subordinates or peers, there will be a need to use one’s emotional intelligence. 

            Having a high IQ or being smart in the traditional sense has its value. For instance, we have heard of the extreme instance of the recluse scientist whose inventions have led to the marked improvements in the lives of people because of some mathematical equation they were able to prove.  We need brilliant intellectuals and researchers to shed light on some of the biggest problems that we face, and some of these people have ill-developed socio-emotional skills. 

            In the end, what is more important, IQ or EQ?  I say that they are both important.  I believe that our responsibility lies in developing our gifts and potentials.  If we are blessed with a good intellect, we need to nurture that for our own and the benefit of society in general.  Similarly, we also need to learn about ourselves and learn to relate to others in the best way possible.  This also has its obvious benefits. 

Negotiation as Conflict Resolution





Being in conflict with someone can be very stressful; it can drain much energy from anyone.  Be it at home or at work, when we have a conflicted relationship with a person who is part of our lives in one way or another, we are often unable to deny the fact that we are at least somewhat affected. 

Because of the many thoughts and reactions we might have in face of a conflict, we are often unable to think clearly about the situation and react to what we perceive is going on.  Because we are feeling hurt or disadvantaged—even taken advantage of in some instances—we tend to think that our misery was caused by the other person.  “If only that person did this or did not do this, I would be better off,” we might think to ourselves.  Most or all the blame for one’s sad state tends to fall on the other person. 

When we are feeling vulnerable over a situation, the typical reaction is to protect oneself.  This can take the form of keeping to oneself, finding shelter to protect ourselves from further harm.  We can also launch an attack at our aggressor, whether we do this through active or passive means.  Passive means include doing nothing and omitting some expected actions to warrant notice, and sometimes, to inflict harm.  For instance, this can happen when a wife decides to stop cooking for her husband one day as a response to feeling hurt over something.  A friend can also ignore another person as a way of inflicting guilt over what the other had done.  Active means are direct confrontations and acts that cause harm on the other person. 

When we find ourselves in these conflicted situations with other people, matters can deteriorate very quickly.  Our ill feelings towards the person and the situation can make us want to either avoid and end the relationship all together or to escalate the interactions into ever increasing intensities of aggression.  We can then lose control, and the whole scenario turns ugly. 

Before anything turns ugly, I invite each one to step back and to look inside.  You might want to ask yourself the following questions: 

·         What bothered or hurt you in this situation? 

·         Now that this situation has happened and we can no longer turn back the hands of time, what can you do to make things better for yourself? 

·         How valuable is this relationship to you?  How much are you willing to give to be able to keep this relationship? 

·         What did I do wrong in this whole situation, whether at the start or in reaction to my own hurt feelings? 

·         What can I do to admit my faults to the other person? 

·         What can I do to make amends for the wrong that I have done? 

·         Thinking realistically, what would I want the other person to do to assuage my hurt? 

As you are able to answer these questions for yourself, invite the other person to answer the same questions as well.  If needed, you can invite a mutual friend or respected person to mediate between the two of you. 

            In answering the questions above, you are turning the conflict into a problem that needs to be solved, and not a fight you are aiming to win.  Only when both parties are able to lay down their cards on the table honestly, bearing only realistic expectations of oneself and others, can conflicts be better managed.  

Life Lessons through Sports

The other day, I had the chance to talk to an old schoolmate of mine who is into marathons.  He was walking with a limp, as he had just come from an ultra marathon over the weekend.  As he was encouraging me to join marathons as well, he highlighted the tremendous satisfaction he felt in finishing the long distance runs.  In turn, I told him how I could not imagine myself training for an event, running for an entire day, and only have blisters and sore, aching muscles to show for it in the end. 

He then shared with me his own experiences in joining these marathon and triathlons.  He recounted how when his leg muscles started to get sore in a race and he would look at his pedometer and feel discouraged that he had not yet run a third of the distance he was supposed to cover within the day.  In fact, this feeling that he might not make it to the finish can sometimes linger on for a few hours of the day.  He also admitted to me as we spoke that he was afraid of water, and that he was not a good swimmer.  And yet, he joined triathlons that required him to swim absurd distances.  He even recounted a time when he started to take in water as he swam, which caused him to panic.  He then went to the nearest buoy and calmed himself down. 

As he told me his story, my admiration for the man grew.  All along, I thought that ultra marathons and triathlons were about physical strength and endurance.  I was wrong.  I realized then that joining these long-distance races was about something less tangible and immensely important (not to say that physical strength and endurance were not immensely important too).  It honed life skills that built upon self-mastery.  Ultimately, it was something within that was honed. 

Over the past few years, I know that this friend of mine had gone through many challenges in his life.  I often wondered what got him going and where he found his strength.  I realized from our conversation the other day that joining races played a major part in helping him weather the storms that came along his path.  Conquering his own feelings of discouragement and pessimism enabled him to take the next step.  He can still do it, even if his feet are already getting blisters and his legs are already sore.  Just one more step, he probably told himself.  And then, he took one more step, and another after that. 

This story helped me make sense of what another friend and colleague, a sport psychologist and athlete herself, always told me about how sports teaches life skills.  This was the very reason why she insisted on putting all her children into competitive sports from the time they were about 5 years old.  The training taught the discipline that there was no easy way in getting anything done, and one needed to work on building skills day after day.  Among other things, competitions also taught the value of striving towards one’s best and never being self-satisfied about one’s accomplishments.  In effect, sports are a rehearsal to important life skills. 

Sports or long distance marathons, anyone? 

5 Aspects of Wholeness

As we grow and develop, we hardly think about the various aspects of ourselves. We go about our daily lives doing our daily routines, getting busy with our preoccupations. We wake up in the morning, go to work, and come back home and rest. On certain days, we might jog around our neighborhood or go to the gym. In some occasions, we meet family and friends. Along the way, we browse the internet, check our social networking sites, answer some emails, and read some interesting articles. We go to church roughly once a week. We might even have a hobby that we enjoy doing. These are some typical activities we do on a fairly regular basis.

The different activities we do reflect various aspects of ourselves. Without giving much thought to it, we are able to satisfy our needs through the different activities that we do.

One way of understanding ourselves is seeing ourselves from the various aspects that make up who we are. In order to live a fairly satisfactory balanced life, we need to have a deep understanding of the various aspects that comprise our persons. These aspects are as follows:

• Physical – our material self, our bodies;
• Intellectual – our reasoning and rational self;
• Emotional – our reactions, feelings and affectations;
• Social – our interactions and relationships with others;
• Spiritual/Moral – our relationship with ourselves, our inner lives, and our relationship with the beyond (i.e., something greater than ourselves, notwithstanding how one defines this)

In responding to the needs of our physical selves, eating a balanced diet, doing regular exercise and having a sufficient amount of sleep and rest are essential. Our intellectual needs are often satisfied by having something to read and using our reason to deal with different problems that come our way. When we are in school, this is a natural aspect that we develop. Our emotional aspect is also very salient when we talk about a heightened awareness of our reactions and feelings towards certain people, events, circumstances, and beliefs. Our social aspects are sustained in the interactions we have with colleagues, family members, friends, and acquaintances. We can also nurture our spiritual lives through the practice of a religion. Meditation and self-reflection are also activities that nurture our spiritual/moral lives.

Paying attention to all these aspects of our persons on a fairly regular basis is integral in our wellbeing. An overemphasis or overexertion of one more than the other aspects often leads to an imbalance and dissatisfaction in one’s life. Given the preferences and earlier experiences of an individual, certain aspects may take a greater priority in their lives. This is but understandable, but other aspects also need to have a place in their lives. 

This way of understanding personal development is particularly important for young people. Parents and those who guide our youth need to make sure that each one is nurtured and educated in these various aspects. 

Only when we are able to nurture all these aspects can we truly say that we have truly helped in the formation of a whole person. 

Stress

“Stress is the resultant of a change—whether expected or otherwise—and the reaction to it.” This definition was given by J. S. Greenberg in the book Comprehensive Stress Management. This definition actually highlights the fact that stress happens to all of us in varying degrees just because we experience change from a second-to-second, minute-to-minute basis. Although not all changes that happen to us we will recognize as stressful, we all have experienced stress at one point or another.

Most of the time, what we might consider stressful are those that we perceive as more negative, possibly even unpleasant. And yet, there are many events in our lives that we consider to be positive that are very stressful as well. Getting married or having a new baby in the family is very stressful, but generally held to be positive occurrences in our lives. Getting promoted and having more responsibilities can also be quite pleasant and yet immensely stressful.

Essentially, what makes a situation more or less stressful are the following elements: predictability and controllability vis-à-vis our own stress reactivity. When something is predictable, we are able to prepare better and feel less stressed about it. When the unexpected happens, we tend to be more stressed out. Similarly, we have milder reactions when we see that we have what it takes to handle the hassles that come our way. We feel overwhelmed and unnerved when we feel that we are unable to control a given situation that comes our way. These two elements fall within the context of our own reactions to the situations at hand. There is something personal in our reactions, as some of us are more anxious than others and there are some situations that trigger more reactions from some but not for others.

Although stress can affect us in various ways, we know that it can disrupt our physical and mental health. Being exposed to chronic or sustained stress can take its toll on anybody, and physical illness is often a frequent visitor, if not a regular companion, in such times.

This is because stress causes our bodies to react as if it were going on emergency. We stop absorbing nutrients and our bodies prepare for quick action. Our bodies suppress our immune system in favor of releasing sugars that would enable us to think quickly and act just as swiftly. Although this can be experienced by a person as a pleasurable high, such a sustained state is detrimental to one’s wellbeing.

Although stress is quite unavoidable, we do need to minimize it by taking care of ourselves. Minding the basics of eating balanced meals, sleeping enough, and getting regular physical exercise can help us resist the ill effects of stress. Being mindful of our current state of mind and practicing good breathing habits are also good ways of dealing with stress reactions. Through these, the bottom line is taking good care of oneself, and there is no substitute to this age old idea.

Realistic Optimism

What comes to your mind when you hear the word “optimism”? For many, the word evokes an idea of being positive and thinking of the best possible interpretation out of any situation. Optimistic people are said to be happy people who think of the best outcomes even in bleak and dire situations.

Critics of optimists argue that one needs to look at things squarely and just see things for what they are. Interpreting the situation in favor of one’s interests is to make an inaccurate wishful thinking. Thinking of the good side of things and wishing for the best can be rather delusional, and can only bring about disappointment.

I would like to make a case not just for simple optimism, but for realistic optimism. By realistic, I actually want to accommodate what critics of simple optimism are saying.

I would like to illustrate my point with the proverbial glass of water being half full or half empty. Let’s say, one thinks it favorable to have more water. If the glass is indeed half full and half empty, a person who is realistically optimistic will simply say it is half full and celebrate the fact that there is still half a glass of water. Although it is equally accurate to say that the glass is half empty, this only brings about a sense of inadequacy and want.

In a similar instance that the glass is only a quarter full, a realist will argue that it is more accurate to describe the glass as being three quarters empty. And yet, describing this glass as being a quarter full and celebrating what is still there can still bring a sense of joy. Rather than bemoaning the fact that a greater portion of the glass is empty, one is able to appreciate the little that one still has. This is the true test of realistic optimism—to be able to celebrate the little that one has instead of lamenting what one does not have and what one could still have.

I admit that, in a way, such optimism can also lead to complacency and low expectations of oneself. Admittedly, this is not always helpful, and this is something optimists need to be careful about. Balancing realistic optimism with realistic goal setting might be a good combination. When an optimist is able to celebrate what one has—little thought this may be—and still improve his or her situation, then the optimist is able to strive for more despite being content with what he or she has. This is the essence of realistic optimism.

This habit of celebrating what we have and what we treasure, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant is a valuable life sustaining habit. Research has shown that such a habit leads to more happiness in people. So, if you want to be happy, I encourage you to practice this brand of realistic optimism. What are the things in yourself and in your life that you have been taking for granted? Just think about it: there is always a cause to celebrate the little things.

Suicide Awareness

Suicide is one of those topics that many people are afraid to talk about. Because of this, it is also one of the most misunderstood realities in our society. For many whose families suffered the trauma of having a relative commit suicide, it is taboo to even talk about this in public. People are afraid that this might run in families and such an event can stigmatize the family of the one who committed suicide.

All of us have heard of stories of the heartbroken seeing no other option but to end their lives. This is all too familiar in literature and in popular tele-novelas that appeal to broad audiences across race, class and gender.

Whenever suicide is discussed, the trigger event is often mentioned as the main cause and culprit of the act. In fact, research has shown that suicide is caused by multiple factors. It is an act that cannot be taken out of the context of a person’s life, as many personal experiences may actually influence one’s act of ending one’s life.

Mental illness figures prominently among those who commit suicide. Many suffer from different psychological conditions when they plan or execute their own death. Some of these people may actually suffer from a distorted sense of reality that they harm themselves as a way of living the reality that only exists in their own minds. For example, a person who thinks that they he has super human powers can jump off a high building thinking that they can fly. Instead of flying, however, he falls and dies. Some others might be feeling so sad that they simply want to end their suffering by killing themselves.

Apart from those who are mentally ill, whether diagnosed or not, there are certain groups of people who are known to be of higher risk of completing suicide. For one, there are generally more men who complete acts of suicide than women. And there is a higher risk for homosexuals than their heterosexual counterparts. Those who have witnessed suicide of a friend or loved one are also at higher risk. Those who suffer from painful, life-threatening illnesses are also at risk.  

For many, suicide is an act of hopelessness. Those who decide to end their lives do so because they are in emotional pain and can no longer see any future for themselves. It is a way out of their misery and their suffering.

Apart from all the examples I have given so far, there are also those who harm themselves with little intention to really end their lives. These people may typically ingest some chemicals (e.g., over-the-counter drugs like paracetamol, muriatic acid, detergent, etc.) that will do more harm to their bodies than actually put an end to their lives. These are really acts that are nonlethal, which are more cries for help and attention. They want to get the help that they need and do not know how to do so appropriately.

If you suspect someone you know to be in any risk for self-harm or suicide, you can ask the following questions simply and directly:

•  Are you thinking of hurting yourself or even ending your life?  
• When was the last time these thoughts came to your mind? How strong are these thoughts?
•  Have you made any plans as to how you are going to do it? If so, do you have the means of carrying out your plan (e.g., have access to a gun, buying the lethal chemicals to ingest, having the rope to be used to hang oneself, etc.)?

An affirmative answer to even one of these questions means that that person is likely to be at some risk for committing suicide. In such cases, you can do the following:

•  Do not leave that person on his/her own. If you cannot be with that person for a long period of time, make sure you endorse him or her to someone who can.  
• Inform as many people as you can about the risk of this person, including friends and family members, and get as much support as you can for both yourself and the person at risk.  
• Make a referral to a hospital that can keep watch round the clock. At night, the person can be brought to the emergency room of any hospital.  
• Take care of yourself and do not make yourself solely responsible for the wellbeing of this person.  
• Refer the person to a psychiatrist and psychologist as soon as possible.