Play Therapy

Only in Grade IV, Andy is not doing well in school. For about two years now, he has not been getting good grades, and his parents are on his case. They want him to do better, and they are doing the best that they can to push him harder. Andy feels pressured and tries to escape his situation by playing video games. Apart from the low grades, he has also been involved in a few disciplinary cases in school. He is known as a class bully and he does not have too many friends. After many meetings in school, his guidance counselor recommended for his parents to bring him to a psychologist. Although unsure how a professional can help them, Andy’s parents accompany him to see a psychologist.


After conducting a thorough evaluation process, the psychologist recommends regular play therapy for Andy. Having explained to his parents how this may help Andy, his parents agreed to have him attend weekly hour-long sessions with the psychologist. Every so often, the parents were also involved in discussing the progress noted in Andy over the weeks and months.

Play is the most natural way that children relate to the world around them. At the same time, play is also the way that children are able to express themselves with little or no reservation. Using these givens, psychologists create a safe environment for children to be able to express themselves and find a resolution to the circumstances in which they find themselves. This is all done in the context of a natural play environment that puts the child at ease. In as much as they are given much control over how they will use the play therapy hour (e.g., what toys to use, how the toys will be played, what topics will be brought up and discussed, etc.) , limits are also set in terms of appropriate behaviors.

The most important element in play therapy is the relationship that is built between the child and the therapist. By far, this is cornerstone of this intervention. In the person of the therapist, the child is allowed to gain confidence in their own abilities and personal resources. The children are made to feel good about themselves, basing on the reality of their experiences. This context allows the child to freely express themselves, and in this process, discover a sensible way of dealing with their difficulties.

Although the toys and materials in play therapy are secondary only to the person of the therapist, they are also carefully chosen to evoke basic themes that portray the experience of the child. A doll house complete with various family members is a common fixture in play therapy rooms. Art materials and a sand box are also often seen.

In the years I have been doing play therapy, I have seen children magically blossom right before my eyes. Once affirmed and supported, the children naturally express themselves and find themselves. They are able to deal with the complexities of their situation in a way that words often cannot simply express. This is one clear advantage of using play as a medium for therapy—words are not the most integral elements in making sense of the world of the child, both outside and within.

So far, I have explained play therapy in a very generic sort of way. Please do not think that play therapy can only apply to specific emotional concerns of children. The truth is that this intervention can be quite versatile across various concerns that children may have. It has also been used with adolescents and adults as well. Trained play therapists are able to create the environment that best addresses the needs of a particular child.

Andy enjoyed his play therapy sessions. He found an ally in his play therapist, and after a number of sessions, was able to gain a better sense of himself. This newfound self-mastery allowed him to gradually do better in school. He also began to have friends in school as his reputation of being a bully faded. His parents also learned to discipline Andy in ways that enhanced Andy’s self-mastery. The progress noted became clear signs that Andy was ready to end his play therapy sessions.

Psychological Trauma

Its typhoon season again, and it can be a very difficult time for many of our kababayans. Particularly for those who lost loved ones and property from the onslaught of rains and winds just a few months ago, this season is yet another reminder of nature’s unforgiving fury. It is also a reminder of the pain and suffering that they experienced because of calamities past.


The typhoons and the floods that came and went were frightening experiences for many. Although most people would react within a tolerable range of negative reactions, there are a few who may react to the situation more extremely. In particular, the terror they feel can be traced from the time a severe, or series of, life threatening events happened. This is when psychological trauma is said to have been experienced.

Traumatic incidents are not only limited to typhoons and floods. They can be other natural disasters, such as, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, droughts and famines, tsunamis, and the like. They can also be man-made disasters, such as, war and displacement, bombings, fires, crime, domestic violence, and violations of one’s modesty. These can also be single incidents or something that is repeated over and over again within a given period of time.

There are essentially three groups of behaviors that are associated with these reactions after a particularly stressful time, which include the following: going back to the traumatic events; trying to get away from the memory, and feeling anxious and wary. Let me explain each of these.

The first is the tendency for the traumatized person to keep on going back to the incident(s) over and over again in their heads. They can get flashbacks, nightmares, and really frightening thoughts. This can happen from out of the blue, and can make a person feel stuck and paralyzed. For an outside observer, the person might look like they are staring into empty space for periods of time.

The second is the desire to avoid anything that will remind them of the traumatic incident. For instance, a person who is traumatized by extreme flooding might not want to stay in their house anymore and would choose to live on higher ground. This can also take the form of feeling numb and not really feeling anything at all. Yet others can feel a deep sense of guilt, sadness and/or worry. They might stay away from places and people that remind them of the traumatic incident(s). Some might even have a poor recollection of what really happened.

The third is a feeling of being nervous and wary. As a result of the traumatic event(s), people find life to be rather unpredictable, and anything drastic can really happen anytime. They feel anxious in daily life, and they can even be easily startled. They can be in a constant state of vigilance, as though something really bad is about to happen. As a result, they might have a hard time sleeping and have a volatile emotional life. They can sometimes feel very angry or very sad with little provocation.

A combination of some of these extreme reactions may be quite acceptable for a few weeks after a particularly traumatic event. After all, such reactions are quite understandable in the face of rather extreme circumstances. They do become rather disruptive when they continue to be as strong even after a few months from the actual incident. When these feeling and behaviors persist, consulting a mental health professional might prove to be helpful.

What Children Need from Parents Who Separate

A few months ago, a friend of mine forwarded an article from the Philippine Daily Inquirer entitled “A daughter’s 10 commandments for separated parents.” You can access an archived copy through the following website http://archive.inquirer.net/view.php?db=1&story_id=260477. I think its great advice, and speak from the point of view of a young person who actually experienced her own parents’ separation.


Whenever I speak to parents who are separating, I always remind them that they may decide to separate from their spouse and that might be the end of their relationship with that person. However, their children will always be related to them and their other parent. So, if they decide to speak ill of their ex-partner to their children, they are actually bad mouthing the child’s own father or mother.

Now, I wonder how it would feel like to anybody if you hear someone—in this case, your own parent—speak badly about your other parent. Similarly, children can also be used to “spy” on the other parent or to be made guilty for enjoying their time with the other parent. For a child, this type of behaviors is a powerful message of what marital relationships are all about. It also affects each individual child in a unique way, as they are affected by every comment that is made about their own parents. Let’s say a boy is often likened to his father, that he had inherited his father’s looks and even some of his habits. And then the separation happens and his mother starts to speak of all the ills of his father to him or is made to “betray” his father by making him say what his father had done wrong this time. How must this impact on this young man, not only in the way he sees his own father, but also in the way he sees himself? How might he feel about all that?

It goes without saying that any marital separation affects all members of the family. It is often a painful situation for everyone. But because it is also largely a marital decision, children are often unknowingly victimized when their needs are neglected or even invalidated. Here are some of the more important needs of children that remain to be relevant, and even more so, through a separation:

• Routine and structure. Children need the daily routines and structure that often translates to a semblance of stability. This includes the daily schedule of meal times, cleaning up time, bed time, and other activities of daily living. They need to know that their daily needs continue to be met even through this emotional upheaval.

• Limits and discipline. Rules need to be clear and expectations spelled out. Reward them for good behavior and promptly correct inappropriate behaviors. Don’t let the failure of your marriage ruin the childhood of your children. They need to know that they are still expected to do as per usual even through the separation.

• Support and nurturance. Children need the support of their siblings, friends, and extended family. In as much as parents need this, children need to spend time with others who can help them deal with their most natural sources of support. Bringing your child to see a counselor or psychologist can be helpful if this type of support is few and far between.

• A listening ear. Talk to your children. Keep them informed and tell them what is happening in a way that they will understand. Ask them how they are feeling and what they think about the whole matter of the separation openly. Accept what they say without having to justify yourself. Finally, reassure them that you will be there for them no matter what. And of course, do just that.

ABC-DEF in Managing Our Feelings

Our emotions are our own and nobody else’s. This is the first lesson that we need to learn if we are to help take control of our feelings. When we blame others for making us feel bad or mad, then we are not owning up to our feelings.


Before I go any further, I must note my agreement that others can do things that can trigger reactions in us, particularly people who matter to us. This is natural, as we are neither unresponsive robots nor isolated creatures. There are also many events in our lives that cause us to feel a certain way, such as, losing a loved one or fulfilling a dream.

ABC is an acronym for the elements that help us understand our feelings better. “A” in this acronym stands for “antecedent event,” or the situation that just happened. C stands for the “consequent feeling” that we have after the event transpired. This is a natural relationship that we all acknowledge.

What we forget in this equation is the “B” in the acronym, which stands for our “beliefs.” This includes the thoughts and ideas we have that led us to think of the event as being good or bad, positive or negative. These intermediary thoughts are quite important because they help sustain or support the way we feel about a given situation.

Scientists who study emotions and emotional reactions tell us that these internal events last no longer than a couple of seconds in our brains. And yet, we often experience our reactions longer. We can even relive an experience with all our associated reactions when we recall what happened. These are mostly products of our beliefs or the “B” in ABC.

Given this understanding, we can help manage our feelings better by following the steps summarized by the acronym DEF. With the knowledge that our thoughts intermediate between an event or a situation and our consequent feelings, we can also change the way we think about a situation to somewhat soften the feelings we experience. “D” stands for “dispute;” and in this context we need to dispute the belief that is causing us to feel bad about an event or a situation. Not content with simply disputing our beliefs and thoughts, we need to develop a more “effective philosophy,” which is what “E” is all about. Only then can we notice that our “feelings change,” as summarized by the letter “F.”

To give an example, let’s say you were asked to resign from work because of a major mistake you did (this is A or the antecedent event). You naturally felt bad about it, and worried that you might not find a job that suits your qualifications (C or consequent feelings). You might then need to step back and think about the thoughts that prompted the negative feelings of sadness and worry (B for beliefs). You might be thinking at this point that you are really worthless and incompetent for making a major mistake, and that no employer in his right mind would hire a person like you if he knew about the mistake you made. This train of thought can really make you feel bad about yourself.

Now, let’s apply how DEF works. You need to take a step back and view your situation in another perspective. Did you really intend to make that mistake? Does a mistake like that really mean that you are absolutely incompetent? Did you not have any success at all in this job or in previous work experiences? Answering these questions constitutes D for dispute. So, you might come to the realistic conclusion that you did make a major mistake and being asked to resign is justified. And yet, you are not absolutely competent and you can still learn from this mistake. And that if you were given another chance, you will certainly do better. You have now arrived at E or a more effective way of thinking. Convinced of this new way of thinking, you can then feel a little bit better about yourself (F for feelings change).

At the beginning, this method can be quite cumbersome, and you might need to write down your thoughts to help you see the logic of your disputes. With some practice, you will see how this can help you manage your emotions so that they don’t’ get out of hand.