What Children Need from Parents Who Separate

A few months ago, a friend of mine forwarded an article from the Philippine Daily Inquirer entitled “A daughter’s 10 commandments for separated parents.” You can access an archived copy through the following website http://archive.inquirer.net/view.php?db=1&story_id=260477. I think its great advice, and speak from the point of view of a young person who actually experienced her own parents’ separation.


Whenever I speak to parents who are separating, I always remind them that they may decide to separate from their spouse and that might be the end of their relationship with that person. However, their children will always be related to them and their other parent. So, if they decide to speak ill of their ex-partner to their children, they are actually bad mouthing the child’s own father or mother.

Now, I wonder how it would feel like to anybody if you hear someone—in this case, your own parent—speak badly about your other parent. Similarly, children can also be used to “spy” on the other parent or to be made guilty for enjoying their time with the other parent. For a child, this type of behaviors is a powerful message of what marital relationships are all about. It also affects each individual child in a unique way, as they are affected by every comment that is made about their own parents. Let’s say a boy is often likened to his father, that he had inherited his father’s looks and even some of his habits. And then the separation happens and his mother starts to speak of all the ills of his father to him or is made to “betray” his father by making him say what his father had done wrong this time. How must this impact on this young man, not only in the way he sees his own father, but also in the way he sees himself? How might he feel about all that?

It goes without saying that any marital separation affects all members of the family. It is often a painful situation for everyone. But because it is also largely a marital decision, children are often unknowingly victimized when their needs are neglected or even invalidated. Here are some of the more important needs of children that remain to be relevant, and even more so, through a separation:

• Routine and structure. Children need the daily routines and structure that often translates to a semblance of stability. This includes the daily schedule of meal times, cleaning up time, bed time, and other activities of daily living. They need to know that their daily needs continue to be met even through this emotional upheaval.

• Limits and discipline. Rules need to be clear and expectations spelled out. Reward them for good behavior and promptly correct inappropriate behaviors. Don’t let the failure of your marriage ruin the childhood of your children. They need to know that they are still expected to do as per usual even through the separation.

• Support and nurturance. Children need the support of their siblings, friends, and extended family. In as much as parents need this, children need to spend time with others who can help them deal with their most natural sources of support. Bringing your child to see a counselor or psychologist can be helpful if this type of support is few and far between.

• A listening ear. Talk to your children. Keep them informed and tell them what is happening in a way that they will understand. Ask them how they are feeling and what they think about the whole matter of the separation openly. Accept what they say without having to justify yourself. Finally, reassure them that you will be there for them no matter what. And of course, do just that.