Before I go any further, I must note my agreement that others can do things that can trigger reactions in us, particularly people who matter to us. This is natural, as we are neither unresponsive robots nor isolated creatures. There are also many events in our lives that cause us to feel a certain way, such as, losing a loved one or fulfilling a dream.
ABC is an acronym for the elements that help us understand our feelings better. “A” in this acronym stands for “antecedent event,” or the situation that just happened. C stands for the “consequent feeling” that we have after the event transpired. This is a natural relationship that we all acknowledge.
What we forget in this equation is the “B” in the acronym, which stands for our “beliefs.” This includes the thoughts and ideas we have that led us to think of the event as being good or bad, positive or negative. These intermediary thoughts are quite important because they help sustain or support the way we feel about a given situation.
Scientists who study emotions and emotional reactions tell us that these internal events last no longer than a couple of seconds in our brains. And yet, we often experience our reactions longer. We can even relive an experience with all our associated reactions when we recall what happened. These are mostly products of our beliefs or the “B” in ABC.
Given this understanding, we can help manage our feelings better by following the steps summarized by the acronym DEF. With the knowledge that our thoughts intermediate between an event or a situation and our consequent feelings, we can also change the way we think about a situation to somewhat soften the feelings we experience. “D” stands for “dispute;” and in this context we need to dispute the belief that is causing us to feel bad about an event or a situation. Not content with simply disputing our beliefs and thoughts, we need to develop a more “effective philosophy,” which is what “E” is all about. Only then can we notice that our “feelings change,” as summarized by the letter “F.”
To give an example, let’s say you were asked to resign from work because of a major mistake you did (this is A or the antecedent event). You naturally felt bad about it, and worried that you might not find a job that suits your qualifications (C or consequent feelings). You might then need to step back and think about the thoughts that prompted the negative feelings of sadness and worry (B for beliefs). You might be thinking at this point that you are really worthless and incompetent for making a major mistake, and that no employer in his right mind would hire a person like you if he knew about the mistake you made. This train of thought can really make you feel bad about yourself.
Now, let’s apply how DEF works. You need to take a step back and view your situation in another perspective. Did you really intend to make that mistake? Does a mistake like that really mean that you are absolutely incompetent? Did you not have any success at all in this job or in previous work experiences? Answering these questions constitutes D for dispute. So, you might come to the realistic conclusion that you did make a major mistake and being asked to resign is justified. And yet, you are not absolutely competent and you can still learn from this mistake. And that if you were given another chance, you will certainly do better. You have now arrived at E or a more effective way of thinking. Convinced of this new way of thinking, you can then feel a little bit better about yourself (F for feelings change).
At the beginning, this method can be quite cumbersome, and you might need to write down your thoughts to help you see the logic of your disputes. With some practice, you will see how this can help you manage your emotions so that they don’t’ get out of hand.
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