Personal Effectiveness through Values Clarification

In the last few years, I have been running groups for young people who wanted to become more personally effective. In the way we understood effectiveness in a personal context, we always included the idea of having at least some congruence between what one thought was important to him or her and how that person conducted him/herself on a day to day basis. In other words, being personally effective meant that one needed to know what was important to him/her and to make sure that these priorities were reflected in one’s daily life.

This is when we talked about values. Values are a set of beliefs held by an individual or shared by a group of people. In as much as values can be shared with a group of people, these beliefs are often very subjective and do vary from one individual to another. They often also form a constellation of beliefs that is called values system.

Although our values can change over time, they often guide our behaviors. As such, knowing our values is one way to help us clarify what is really important to us and to make sure that our behaviors are congruent with our value system. Only with such understanding can we evaluate the way we behave. With such self-monitoring evaluations, we are able to help ourselves become more effective.

There are many ways through which one can clarify one’s values. The steps outlined below are particularly useful for those who have never done any similar exercise before. As the steps described below is admittedly time consuming, one may do these steps across a period of time (e.g., 2 hours a week for a period of 2 months) rather than in one sitting. Here are the steps:

• List down your priorities. Write down what/who you care about in your current life in no particular order.
• Understand what makes them important to you. For each of the items you listed, write down what makes it important for you. How do you feel about this particular matter/person in your life? How does the presence of this in your life make a difference for you? Be honest. After all, you are doing this for yourself. It is important to note that this is the most time consuming step, and you may spend the most time doing this, even going to back to items a few times over.
• Prioritize. Rank all the items you listed in order or importance to you (e.g., “1” can be the most important, in descending order).
• Understand the priorities list. List down the elements of your choices. In other words, what made you choose your first priority as such? What made them so important to you?
• Compare priorities list with your actual daily schedule. Using this list of priorities, list down the amount of time (given a typical week or month, perhaps) you spend doing activities address each of these priorities.
• Congratulate yourself. At this point, congratulate yourself for getting this far in the process. This means that you are serious in wanting to become more personally effective.
• Evaluate your daily schedule. What consistencies or discrepancies did you notice between your list of priorities and actual time spent doing these?
• Identify realistic goals. What changes can you make in your life given the insights gained from the earlier steps? How can you improve your state of personal effectiveness?
• Commit to improvement. No matter how small, commit to some action plan that you will undertake given a specific time frame. Make sure you are also able to evaluate how you were able to implement these changes in your life.

 The steps I just outline, if followed properly, can be a powerful experience in setting your life on a track that makes sense to you. As your behaviors become more and more consistent with what is truly important to you (otherwise known as the “bottom line”), you will also notice that you become increasingly more satisfied with the way your life is going. Now, that is personal effectiveness.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a much misunderstood emotion. Many people dread it and would rather not experience it at all. And yet, it is a very normal reaction to any kind of change that we anticipate in our lives.


What is anxiety? It is both a physical and psychological event that is felt by the body and experienced in the way of thoughts, feelings and behaviors. It is an unpleasant sensation that is often accompanied by a foreboding feeling, apprehension, fear, and worry. Unlike fear, however, anxiety is felt in anticipation of something that is just about to happen, rather than something that one is currently confronting. In anxiety, what is feared is an outcome or an eventuality rather than the actual occurrence.

What is the purpose of anxiety? Although not desired, it actually helps people become more vigilant of the environment and to see what can be done to improve one’s situation. It is a protective mechanism that all of us have!

I wonder if you have ever used your anxiety to make yourself act on something fast. I know I do that to myself every so often. It is a good and effective way to get myself to do something I have been dragging my feet to do. This is when anxiety can be rather useful. It gives us the motivation and energy to do what we feel we need to do.

So, when does anxiety become a problem? Simply put, anxiety becomes a problem when it gets out of control. It becomes a problem when our anxiety interferes with our daily functioning longer than it is effective. For instance, our anxiety can cause us to lose both our sleep and our appetite. This can have repercussions on both our physical and mental wellbeing over time when it is not addressed properly.

So, what can help? There are many interventions for anxiety. Simple breathing exercises, as I have written about in an earlier post in this blog often give some relief. The same goes for other relaxation exercises. Of course, consulting a mental health professional, such as, a psychologist or psychiatrist can also prove to be helpful.

What is Mental Health?

One of the most difficult concepts to define is the idea of mental health. In school, much of our learning is focused on mental illness and dysfunctional behaviors that we often overlook what are mentally healthy and functional behaviors.

As Asians, we have a difficult time separating our physical wellbeing with our mental wellbeing. In fact, in some discussions I have had with fellow Filipino psychologists, we could not find an exact translation for the concept of “mental health” or even just for the word “mental” for that matter. In fact, when we experience pain, it can both be physical as well as emotional. And so, there is a real difficulty in explaining the idea of mental health to many Asians.

And yet, mental health is something that we need to understand as well as we can if we are to work towards it. And making it a goal is certainly a very good thing for anyone.

So, what are the most important features of a person who strives towards mental health? Most psychologists would agree in the following:

• Capacity to enjoy life. This does not mean that they are never sad and are always enthusiastic. It simply means that they understand the choices they have and make full use of this knowledge to serve their purposes. They know how to enjoy themselves and maximize the potentials of any given situation, even when there is very little in which to take pleasure.
• Resilience. This begins with a good understanding of their inner strengths and areas of improvement. With this knowledge, they are able to maximize what they know about themselves to adjust to any given situation. They are able to admit their own readiness to face certain situations and bounce back as quickly as they can when faced with challenges and adversities.
• Balanced life. Mentally healthy people are also rather well adjusted in their lives. They are able to balance the extremes in their lives. They are able to take care of the basics, such as, eating balanced meals, sleeping well, and exercising regularly. They also need some alone time, to be quiet and to connect with themselves. There is also time to connect with others and to enjoy the company of friends, to be intimate with at least one other person.
• Ability to adapt. As events unfold in one’s life, one needs to be able to adjust to various circumstances. A mentally healthy person is able to do adjust to various circumstances and people. They accept their faults and failures and are open to improving themselves.
• Self-actualization. People who are well are able to work towards self-actualization. As I wrote in a previous entry, these people “are able to maximize their potentials and become the persons they have always wanted to become. Such people are often able to accept themselves for who they are. Similarly, they are also able to accept others in equal measure. They face reality squarely and are able to adapt themselves in ways that accommodate the situation they face. “

 After writing what makes a person mentally healthy, I do understand that it is an ideal that cannot be fully attained by any one person. I guess that is why there is always room for even better mental health no matter where you are in your life. It is a goal that we can all strive towards.

Back-to-School Preparations

In a few days, most schools in the Philippines will be starting a new school year. By now, parents typically have enrolled their children in their preferred schools, and have gone out to do at least some shopping for some school supplies and personal use items.

Whereas all these routines are good rituals to follow in preparing ourselves and our children for the upcoming change of routine (i.e., from the relatively less structure of the vacation period to the more rigorous demands of school time), what other things do you do to prepare yourselves and your children psychologically? My post this week will focus on some tips you might find useful.

One thing that might help in preparing both ourselves and our children is to review the school routine with them before school actually starts. For instance, we can simply start telling stories of how the past school year was like and how the coming school year might be the same or different. This is particularly good for children who have attended school before. Getting your children to talk about their thoughts and feelings about the coming school year is a good way to find out what their experience is like. In a very casual environment, just listen to them; that’s the most important part. Get as much information from them as you can. These are already potential topics for future conversations and explorations, particularly when the school actually starts.

Another thing that we can do is to start rehearsing the usual daily routine of school time. This can take the form or simply sleeping and waking up as if school had already begun. We might even want to give our child an alarm clock to let them take responsibility for their own sleeping and waking time. Having the children prepare what clothes they are going to wear the following day is also a good practice.

Taking things a step further, we might also want to start picking up the homework routine even before school starts. We can review past lessons or do the first few lessons on their textbooks. Another way of just getting the children to condition themselves with studying again is to do some kind of reading; any story or topic will do. Filling up some puzzles or playing some age appropriate educational computer or board games will also do. The idea is for them to start going back to doing the usual kind of thinking they have to do when they are in school, and to have that kind of routine of doing some work on a daily basis.

Finally, I do need to say that all the above needs to be done in as light hearted and fun way as possible. Remember that children learn faster and retain more information when they are sufficiently relaxed while somewhat curiously excited. Let us do what we can to keep such an environment going, both at the start of the school year and as we journey through the rest of the year.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

In this week’s post, I wanted to highlight Abraham Maslow’s conception of human motivation. In a classic paper he wrote in 1943, Maslow suggested that there are certain needs that urge us to do what we do. Unlike many other theories on human needs, he thought about these needs to fall in a hierarchy. That is to say that one needs to fulfill a more basic need, at least to some extent, before moving on to the next higher need.

This hierarchy of needs can be summarized using the above pyramid, as taken from the following source <http://dinamehta.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/800px-maslows_hierarchy_of_needssvg.png>

What this theory suggests is that we all have the potential to work towards self-actualization, that state of being when we are able to maximize our potentials and become the persons we have always wanted to become. Such people are often able to accept themselves for who they are. Similarly, they are also able to accept others in equal measure. They face reality squarely and are able to adapt themselves in ways that accommodate the situation they face.

According to this hierarchy of needs, a person is only able to achieve one’s desire to self-actualize when one has already met lower needs, at least to some extent. So what are these other needs?

The most basic set of needs are physiological needs. Simply put, this includes survival needs, like, food, water, shelter, exercise, and enough rest.

Next are safety needs. Going beyond mere survival, the next set of needs include health and a sense of wellbeing. There is a sense of security of one’s person and within one’s environment.

A step further is the love and belonging needs. When we have basics met and we feel secure enough, we often strive towards identifying ourselves with a group of people. This group could be a family or a group of friends with whom we can identify ourselves. This is also the time we seek out intimate relationships.

According to Maslow, only when we are secure about our belongingness to a group of people can we begin to work towards the esteem of others. This is a good time for us to make our mark and to achieve something significant.

These are all the necessary steps that we need to take before we can effectively work towards self-actualization.

Oftentimes, what happens with many of us is we attempt the achievement of higher needs in the hierarchy while forgetting to meet more basic needs first. How many people have we seen working very hard to gain the esteem of others while omitting to take care of themselves? They might not eat well or sleep very little just to fulfill higher needs. This can be problematic.

Of course, there are some exceptions to this rule. Some self-actualizing people actually sacrifice lower needs in order to fulfill much higher needs, oftentimes beyond their own personal gain. For instance, when a martyr suffers for the sake of other people, that person is likely to be self-actualizing.

We all desire to fulfill higher needs. In fact, many religions espouse sacrificing lower needs for the sake of higher needs. And yet, what I am saying here is the importance of fulfilling lower needs first before meeting higher needs. I guess the paradox to all this is that only when we are able to fulfill lower needs knowingly can we later on give them up in place of fulfilling higher needs.

Parent-less Families

Joy just had her 18th birthday party. It was a lavish celebration by the standards of her peers, where she hosted a guest list of over 200 persons. She even had a gown designed and made by a distant relative. Conspicuously absent though were her parents, the very people who financed her grand debut. Standing in for them were her grandparents, the people who had raised her from the time she was six years old. Her parents have been working abroad, and she and her younger brother were left to the care of these older folks. She did not seem to mind her parents’ absence. After all, she knows that she can only afford this bit of luxury because they are working overseas.


How many Filipinos share this same story with Joy? There are reportedly around 2 million Overseas Filipino Workers (OFW’s), according to the latest census data of 2008. Many among these people have left behind their children. When they do, many families effectively become single-parent families. In cases when both parents work abroad, the families are virtually parent-less.

Most of the time, of course, there are extended family members who stand in as primary caregivers. My concerns stem from the multiple roles that these family members play in raising these children. Perhaps, for these children, their extended family members play the role of their parents. They do not know anything else, as they grew up only knowing their specific arrangement. They have never really fully experienced in their growing up years how it is like to have their parents to go home to after school, and still have the supporting role of other extended family members. This is what they are missing.

Can a grandparent play the role of the parent to their grandchildren? Similarly, can aunts and uncles really care for their nephews and nieces in the same way they would treat their own children? What are these ever-increasing children who are growing up in virtually parent-less homes really missing?

When we think of the repercussions of having many of our countrymen work overseas, we cannot deny the effects that this has on the basic unit of our society, the family. These children often have access to the financial resources of their parents. After all, it is for their betterment that their parents left in the first place. They are able to go to better schools and access generally better services. The opportunities open to them probably exceed the ones that their parents had in their own youth. The economic benefits are obvious. And yet, how are they growing up?

One possible effect might be that these children start to think of their parents as mere material providers and nothing more. They might call and talk to their parents when they need some cash or when they want to buy something they want. Otherwise, they are emotionally detached from these people who are not present in both the important occasions and the mundane day-to-day goings on of their lives.

Having said this, I must highlight the importance of having emotional connections with children despite one’s absence. Parents need to take extra effort in reaching out to their children even from a distance. Fortunately with the internet, getting in touch does not have to be expensive and inconvenient. Needless to say, it is important to get involved in each other’s day-to-day lives in order to maintain an emotional connection.

If Joy had such an emotional connection with her parents, she would have enjoyed her party except for one major detail—her parents were not there to share it with her.

Parenting in the 21st Century

There is no perfect parent. The fact is that all parents make mistakes, and that children are often resilient enough to deal with these parenting mistakes. With the exception of extreme circumstances, such as, violent and abusive homes, most homes do provide the nurturing and protective environment that children need. Ideally, homes provide beyond survival needs and also cater to the psychological needs I discussed in a previous post.


As we struggle towards being a better parent, it is often important to begin with an understanding of oneself. That’s right. We need to know ourselves fairly well in order to be a good parent. That’s where it all begins. What such things do you need to know about yourself? For starters, you might want to answer the following questions:

• How was I parented by my own parents/caregivers? In what ways do I want to do things similarly and in what ways do I want to do things differently with my own children? 
• What is important to me? What are the most important things I want my children to learn from me?
• What are my strengths as a person and how am I able to use these with my children?
• What are my areas of weakness and how do they compromise my good parenting strategies?
• Given the areas of my history, my values, my strength and weaknesses, how do I see myself as a parent? In what ways can I further improve?

The next element in becoming a good parent is in knowing your child well. As each child is different and reacts to you differently, so your strategies may also vary from one child to another. On one hand, we need to be nurturing towards each of our children. We need to accept them and affirm their reactions and ideas. On the other hand, we also need to exercise some level of control in setting clear and predictable limits. Similarly, we need be able to challenge our children enough so that they exert themselves and strive for something better for themselves. We need to do this in a way that is not too taxing and frustrating, given their personalities and talents.

In accomplishing these, you might want to ask yourself the following questions for each of your children:

• How does this particular child respond to me? What dynamics do I see between this child and myself?
• In what ways do I show and express my acknowledgment of this child’s talents, reactions, and ideas? Does this child know that I am acknowledging him/her?
• What are the strengths and areas of weakness of this child, given what is important to me as a parent?
• How responsive is my child in the ways that I challenge him/her in prompting him/her to improve him/herself?
• What changes do I need to make in order to balance the roles of being more accepting and responsive of this child while exerting some level of control and demand on this child’s abilities?

This process that I am proposing is not easy. It demands much introspection into oneself, which also often leads to a better understanding of others. Only when we are armed with such insights are we able to tweak our parenting strategies and become relevant to the children that we parent today.