Rules in Disciplining Children

            Rules and limits are important in disciplining children.  In order to establish a sense of responsibility in our children, we need to be clear about our expectations of them.  In effectively guiding our youngsters, parents often are unclear as to how rules need to be stated and implemented, both at home and outside. 

            In many families that I meet, however, rules are not explicitly stated.  They are often embedded or implicit in the daily habits and values that parents impart to their children.  These values are encountered in day to day interactions.  For example, discouraging children from talking back at older people implicitly teaches the children to respect elders and to do so in this manner.  With repeated encounters of this, the child learns what is appropriate from inappropriate behaviors. 

            In as much as there is nothing wrong with the style of parenting I just described, a clear articulation of rules to children is often an effective and purposive way to guide our youth.  This begins with being clear about your priorities and values that you would like to pass on to your children.  There is really no clear right or wrong here, but rather a choice that each parent needs to make.  For that matter, both parents also need to agree on what these values and priorities need to be emphasized.  In following the earlier example, parents might decide that respect for elders is a very important value they want their children to imbibe.  And so, this might be emphasized and stated as such.  It is also important to clarify how this rule is seen and heard.  What are the word and actions that would show that a child respects his or her parents? 

            Another matter that parents need to decide when creating and implementing rules is making a decision on the level of importance a particular rule might have.  We can then categories the rules and expectations we have according to what we think are negotiable and what are non-negotiable.  For instance, respect for elders might be held in great importance and is a non-negotiable at all times.  On the other hand, being prompt or being on time might not be as important.  Whereas promptness is still a rule that is enforced, it is implemented less sternly and a compromise will likely be entertained when expectations are not met.   

            This idea of clarifying negotiable from non-negotiable rules at home is integral in communicating to children that all these behaviors are important, but there are some things that take precedence over others.  Now some of us might be tempted to just make all rules non-negotiable and make everything clear from the beginning.  This might not work as effectively because we naturally have short attention spans and poor memories.  Realistically, we can only remember three to five things that will be given priority.  Many of the others might be neglected, especially when there are many rules and guidelines to remember.  And so, parents also need to limit the number of non-negotiable rules, and anywhere from one to five would suffice.  Try to make them general (e.g., “respect elders,” rather than “always use ‘po’ and ‘opo.’”) so that the rules have a broader applicability.  Writing them down in places where children can access them is also a good idea, to help reinforce the idea of the most important rules to follow. 

            In the end, being clear about what is important to us as individuals will guide us to making rules clear.  We also need to identify how these values are manifested in words and deeds.  Only then can we really communicate what we want to impart to our children.    

Improving Our Memories

            There are some exceptional people who have extremely good memories.  Some of them are so good that psychologists decided to study how they remember things so well in the hope of helping those of us who have not been blessed in the same way. 

            In short-term memory, we are able to maximize its limited space by putting information together.  As we are better able to do this, we are able to take in more information for quick and immediate recall.  This phenomenon is called “chunking.”  We often use previous experiences to “chunk” bits information into one unit, enabling us to put in more information in the limited space available. 

            Mnemonic devices are the strategies that have been identified as strategies that can aid people develop better long-term memories.  It is a way of making sense of the new information that would enable us to store information effectively, so that we are able to recall them quicker and more efficiently.  Some of these mnemonic devices are as follows: 

-   Acronyms – using the first letters of a string of words as a cue to remember the ordered set of words (e.g., ROY G. BIV are the colors of the rainbow in order). 

-   Categorical clustering – putting all words that go together under one label to condense the information and make them easier to recall. 

-   Interactive Images – Imagining two things that are moving or interacting with each other, something preposterous perhaps, such as, an a house walking away from its place, and connecting them to the concepts that need to be remembered.

-   Method of Loci – Going through a familiar place in your mind (e.g, the way to your room from the entrance of your house) and associating objects that you come across along the way with steps that you need to remember. 

            Apart from mnemonic devices, being able to rehearse the same set of information over and over again and in different contexts can help one master the knowledge well.  It is important to give various kinds of meaning to the same set of information to ensure that it will be remembered across different kinds of contexts. 

            Good restful sleep is also thought to be an important factor in ensuring that what one has learned will be integrated into one’s memory for a long time.  This is probably one of the reasons why cramming will only get one so far.  Cramming is often done in a heightened state, usually in the brink of anxious fear that one has not yet finished what one needs to cover for an exam.  As such, it works only in the short term.  After the exam, most people who cram will tend to forget most of what was studied. 

            In the end, there is no substitute for repeated practice and making meaning of what one wants to remember.  Even if the meaning placed on what on is making sure to remember is rather personal, it will still be remembered well.  After all, the only things that are absolutely real to us are our personal experiences.   We need to rely on prior knowledge so that we are better able to integrate new information learned.  The more organized the information we have, the better they will also be remembered. 

Memory Making

            Many of us rely on our memories to do much of what we do on a day to day basis.  It’s something we all have that we often take it for granted.  Without our memories, we would not be able to function in our world.  We would just forget everything as they come and go, and live the next moment as if the past did not just happen.  There will be much confusion and frustration if we did not have our memories. 

            Scientists believe that we essentially have two kinds of memory—short-term memory and long-term memory.  Short-term memory is a resource with limited space, and can only take in so much information.  Some researchers have estimated that we can probably store about 5-9 items in this short-term memory storage system.  In order to retain this information, we need to keep on repeating the information to ourselves, just like we do when we are trying to remember a string of numbers being recited to us.  Once we remember something without having to rehearse it over and over again, the memory is said to have already been transferred to our long-term memory.  Scientists really do not know how long we can retain information stored here.  There is a general belief that long-term memory is forever, unless our brains get damaged for some reason or another. 

            Information rehearsed in short-term memory gets moved to long-term memory fairly easily.  When we make sense of something and put meaning into it, then we are better able to remember that bit of information.  For example, if we are remembering a string of numbers that is the telephone number of an acquaintance, we might use our previous knowledge to remember it.  If the number is, say, 4212469, which is PsychConsult’s number, we might think that 421 is somewhat counting backwards and 2469 is somewhat counting forwards in two’s.  This now becomes our key in remembering this set of numbers, which makes it easier to recall. 

            So, putting meaning into the new bit of information and making sense of it, even though it is something personal, is a way of making bits of information stick to our long-term memories.  This process that entails embedding new sets of information into what we already know is called the process of “consolidation.”  This happens more quickly when we consciously and purposively make sense of the information we are being presented.  The more connections we make between the new information and the wealth of knowledge we already have, the easier that memory gets recalled later on. 

            Usually, the more organized our thoughts are, the easier they are stored in our memories.  When needed, organized information is also easier to retrieve.  And so, this is yet another way that we can make sure we remember a complex set of information.  We need to organize them in a way that is sensible to us.   

            As adults, we are able to think about how we remember things.  We are able to analyze the ways that we think and remember.  This is helpful if we want to improve the way we remember things.  Next week, I will write about some ways to enhance our memories. 

Using Diagnoses and Labels in Mental Health

            Lisa was referred to my office, and I had the chance to see her.  After a few sessions, her teacher contacted me and asked me what diagnosis I had of her condition.  I then asked myself: “What would a diagnosis do to help this young lady?”  I was not sure.  I also thought:  “What would a diagnosis do to help the teacher?”  I then thought that maybe this would help her have a handle as to what might be going on with this student.  It is a succinct way of labeling the various behaviors they have been noticing with the student.  It is true that for many of us, having a name for a condition help us put into context what a person might be going through.  In a way, the diagnosis has become an explanation for all the behaviors we cannot seem to make sense. 

            This is particularly true of many medical issues.  When I am suffering from a particular skin disorder, for instance, having a specialist identify what this skin disorder is—having a name for it—can actually result to the necessary actions to take in order to know how to treat it.  In fact, this is the true purpose of having a diagnosis.  When we know what the medical issue is, given its symptoms and presentation, medical professionals have a clear idea of its usual presentation, its course, the recommended treatment, and the prognosis of the outcome. 

            Using diagnostic labels is also a convenient way for medical and allied professionals to communicate.  It enables these practitioners to speak to each other and assume a common basic  knowledge, or lack thereof, about the specific and relevant diagnostic label. 

            In the specialization of mental health, there is no laboratory test, no blood test or brain scan, can actually be used to diagnose any disorder.  The current measures of the symptoms are essentially behavioral, meaning that actual observations and reports from people who know that person well are used as a basis of making a diagnostic decision.  And so, some level of subjectivity happens. 

            I must admit that having a diagnosis of a particular set of behaviors can be quite helpful.  When a person suffers from a Major Depressive Disorder, this can signal the need for some kind of intervention.  Similarly, when a person is becoming Dependent on certain substances, having a label can push that person to seek relevant help. 

            Despite the benefits of using diagnostic labels, there are some drawbacks in relying on it too much.  One is the effect that the stigma of mental illness can bring about.  Being diagnosed can stigmatize a person, and may have effects in future employment and limiting other opportunities.  Another is the tendency of diagnostic label being used to identify a person, rather than just an aspect of that person.  The person can be called “Autistic,” instead of a person with Autism, which connotes that first and foremost the person is of this sort, rather than being an individual first before having such a condition.  Yet another concern is the blurring of an individual’s personal circumstances when a diagnosis is used.  The person then just conforms to the diagnostic criteria, rather than the criteria fitting the presentation of the individual.  In many specific instances, individual nuances further define the presentation of symptoms and there are often no two cases that are exactly alike. 

            As a practicing clinical psychologist, I struggle with being able to identify and declare a diagnostic label, and seeing each person as an individual with their unique nuances.  I want to maximize the benefits of both, and not short changing my clients.   This is a tough scenario to balance with no single answer for all the clients.  In the end, I make my judgment in the best interest of each individual client.  With that foremost in my mind, I know I cannot go wrong. 

            In the case of Lisa, I provided a diagnostic label.  Afterwards, I qualified what behaviors were explained by this label, and which ones were not part of the disorder.  More importantly, I made recommendations of how teachers and staff members can best interact with Lisa so that she is provided the help that will assist her in her special needs. 

Your Online Identity

            A few weeks ago, an unprecedented event in any mass communication medium occurred.  Five hundred million people logged on to Facebook within a single day.  More and more, the internet is becoming a formidable force in our day to day lives.  For the majority of internet users, it is a source of information and a quick and convenient way of getting in touch with friends and relatives.  For many of these people, it is also an extension of oneself, a kind of an online life.  In fact, I set up this blog as an extension of my professional identity. 

            For those of us who have signed in to any free internet service, creating an online identity is a must.  Whenever this happens, what many do not fully understand is that we have consequently (whether you like it or not) become a source of information for those who own these websites.  Website owners and hosts now own the information of whatever we do online , which include the sites we visit and other related information.  That is the business that they are in. 

            The phenomenon of Facebook brings this data gathering method to a whole new level.  When we connect with friends on this site, liking or disliking posts made by these connections; in fact, all our activities within this site are all data.  Now, they are mainly used for targeted advertising.  The ads we see on our screen are not random; they are the services and products in which the demographic we represent are likely to be interested.  Simply put, they use the information we give to them so they can try to sell something to us. 

            Another concern is protecting our privacy.  When we create an account with any free internet service, we are signing terms that might compromise your privacy.  For instance, unless we meticulously specify through our settings that we want to keep our privacy, any picture posted on Facebook becomes public property and anybody can download them and use them for any purpose they so please.  And so, many of my techie friends actually advise me to read the terms of agreement first before signing in to any web service.  And yet, many of us do not care to go through these long documents more carefully. 

            I felt the need to write this entry because all too often we are not so mindful about what we post online, whether that is an innocuous comment or a frivolous picture we took.  Just like in our daily lives, we do need to be prudent about what we put out there for all to see.  Ultimately, the data we upload is stored in a hard drive likely to be halfway across the world.  We have no control over it, and deleting information may not automatically erase it.  The written word is said to be powerful because of its staying power.  After all, all data from any website are presumably regularly backed up for security purposes. 

            In the end, we need to remember that the internet is a form of mass communication.  In fact, it has democratized the power of the written word.  It is a wonderful tool that we should all use.  In fact, that is what I harness when I put out a blog like this.  But at the same time, we need to be judicious in its use as well.  I invite all of us to think of it as appearing on television or being interviewed on the radio.  What would you be willing to say in these more traditional broadcast media?  I think we should think similarly about the internet.