New Year Resolutions

            Many of us make New Year resolutions at the start of each year.  I wonder how among us who have this habit actually follow their resolution until the end of that year.  For many, I’m sure the resolutions get forgotten into oblivion by the end of the year. 

For this week’s entry, I wanted to write about what it takes for a person to make a New Year resolution into a new habit, a new pattern of behavior.  For starters, the resolution must be positively stated.  That means that you need to know how exactly you want to behave.  You need to define the behavior and the steps required to fulfill what you want to accomplish.  Saying that you will stop doing this or that you will not do something is not enough.  You need to actually say what you will be doing instead, rather than just saying what you will be doing less of. 

One of the most common resolutions I have heard concerns losing weight.  This is a classic because it is so easy to say how one can achieve this goal:  simply eat less and exercise more.  As many people who make this their resolution at one point or another, they find themselves failing because they did not define the behaviors that will lead them to their goal.   

Whatever you plan on changing, you need to be clear what your goal is.  This goal needs to be relevant to you, and realistic to achieve.  For example, you cannot lose 20 kilos in a month because this can cause more damage than you had intended.  Targeting 1-2 kilograms a month might be enough as a minimum.  Then, measurable behaviors need to be quantified and clearly described (e.g., walking on a treadmill for 45 minutes at least 3 times a week).  This is integral in establishing a way of measuring your rate of success and following through with your resolution. 

You might then want to think of the helps and hindrances that lie ahead.  What you need to do is to capitalize on what can help you achieve your goal (e.g., getting a friend who has similar goals to go with you), and minimize the possible setbacks you anticipate (e.g., focusing on the veggies, salads, and fruits when you attend gatherings and parties).  In understanding these factors, you help yourself focus on fulfilling the goals you have set for yourself. 

You also need to find ways to reward yourself for being able to stick to your plans.  This should be part of your whole strategy.  Getting small rewards on a weekly or semi-monthly basis might be a good practice, and helps sustain your new behaviors.  Whereas some favorite dessert might be the reward for a person dieting, other forms of rewards (e.g., a movie or a relaxing time with a friend) can also be arranged. 

When you are equipped with strategies on how you can sustain your new behaviors, you are ready to commit to your goals.  Write down the details and how you are going to reward yourself when you have achieved your goals.  You can also get a friend to be a witness to your commitment to yourself.  With this, you are ready to face the world of creating new habits and behaviors.   

Happy New Year and all the best in your resolutions! 

Roles We Play in Our Families

            It’s the season for homecomings and reunions here in the Philippines.  For many people, this will be a time to look forward to—good food, laughter and fun, and familiar interactions.  Reunions are a means by which we bond with family and friends.  For most, it is a much awaited part of the holiday season. 

            What is most interesting in these gatherings is how the roles we take on in the family becomes quite pronounced.  With everyone present, each of the roles of each member of the family becomes clear in the way they interact with those present.  For many, these roles are something that just happened; we neither planned nor wanted it.  Somehow, certain jobs and functions were thrust to us, and we just accepted them with little resistance. 

To help illustrate my point, a father can take on the role of the power and authority figure in the home.  When the father asserts something, hardly anybody says another word.  A favorite daughter, on the other hand, may be the only person who can gently, and even humorously, retort to what is being said.  And the authoritarian of a father accepts such dissent with a smile, but only from her.  The mother might play an overtly quiet role, but influence the father in more subtle ways.  A son might play the role of the “black sheep,” and would come late for reunions dressed in an outfit that is hardly appropriate for the occasion.  The behaviors of each of these members characterize the role they play at home. 

Holiday reunions have a way of making us replay the roles we have in our families.  Rather unconsciously, we are transported to that context that is so conducive to reenacting a script that is so familiar to us.  They are often difficult to change, as it involves the entire system that is the family.  And yet, if a member decides to change the way he or she behaves in that context, the rest often adjust to this. 

This holiday season, I would like to invite you, my dear readers, to be a bit more sensitive to the role that you play in your own family.  Be watchful of how other people interact with you and how you react to them.  Such awareness can help you clarify the role you play.  This can then help you decide if that is the role you really want for yourself.  If it is, the awareness helps you affirm this decision.  If it is not, then you can be more conscious about how it is you would like to behave.  This is when you start to have the power of choice.  

             Merry Christmas!

Christmas for the OFWs

           In a few days, we will be celebrating Christmas Day.  Here in Manila, the holiday fever is on.  Traffic on the roads is heavier than usual.  Malls are brimming with people.  Reunions and gift giving abound, and there are parties to attend.  Food also seems more abundant, and people more generous than usual.

The experience of Christmas for our countrymen who are abroad is certainly different.  For many of our overseas Filipino workers (OFWs), it can be a particularly difficult time.  For many, this holiday season might be the time when they miss the Philippines the most, especially for those who are not with their families.  Our countrymen living in different parts of the world can experience Christmas in a totally different way from how this holiday is celebrated in the Philippines.  There are, of course, many places—even in nearby countries in Southeast Asia—where Christmas is not even a holiday.  That’s not easy to imagine for those of us who have never been overseas, but it is a very real experience for our countrymen who make sacrifices to work and live in these non-Christian countries.

OFWs try the best that they can to come home to visit family over the holidays.  This is a good practice that allows those working overseas to re-connect with family and friends at the time when people usually have reunions and gatherings.

For every OFW who comes home for the Christmas holidays, however, there are hundreds more who do not.  This is vulnerable time for many of our countrymen who remain abroad.  This is the time when they can easily feel lonely and sad.  Here are a few tips that our kababayans can do when they are overseas during the holidays: 

·         Gather friends and celebrate; 

·         Find someone with whom you can share your feelings honestly;

·         Call your loved ones in the Philippines;  

·         Do something you enjoy doing where you are (e.g., engaging in a hobby, going to a nice place; watch an old movie, view photographs of happier times, etc.);

·         Treat yourself to a nice meal;

·         Volunteer to help the less fortunate; and

·         Set goals for the coming year, and compose necessary steps in order to achieve this.  

This list is by no means complete.  I’m sure there are many creative OFWs out there who can very likely add a few more.  Do feel free to leave your ideas in the comment box below, if you have other ideas that you would like to share to others. 

          What is most important to note, particularly in the holiday season, is not to feel so lonely and sad that it disrupts in your daily routines and in accomplishing your day-to-day tasks.  When you or someone you know start to isolate and do not mingle too much with others, and emptiness or sadness creeps in more often, maybe it is time to do something about these feelings.  Of course, reaching out to others and becoming more active will certainly help.  Knowing when to seek professional help is also valuable. 

Of Rituals and Families

            In a few weeks’ time, it will be Christmas again.  This is probably the most major of all holidays in the Philippines, and many usual routines slow down to give way to preparations, social gatherings and family reunions.  For many families, it is also a season for time-honored traditions and rituals.  For instance, many attempt to complete the novena masses prior to Christmas day called the Simbang Gabi.  There are also gifts to prepare and to exchange, and holiday foods abound in many households.  Sights and smells often prompt the feelings associated with the festivities. 

            These rituals and traditions that exist within families mostly hover around particular days of the year.  They can also happen during special occasions of individuals, such as, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, and other important life events.  Each family repeats these traditions time and again, and may have been created by the current generation of the family or something passed down from earlier generations. 

            When we speak of family rituals, however, we don’t only refer to these special occasions, we can also talk about everyday habits.  These can include reading a story and prayers before bedtime, having meals together at home, and following a regular daily schedule.  These daily rituals are, in fact, as important as the annual or occasional rituals held on memorable days.  Although these daily rituals are more common, they are sometimes even more difficult to follow, as they entail the commitment of each member of the family. 

            All these rituals, whether done daily or annually, are very important in the way they build the life of a family.  They are the stuff that memories are made of.  Children remember the roles that each individual member takes on in these events and how these events are played out on a day to day or year to year basis.  Not to mention that this is also what adults talk about when they remember events from their past. 

            The life of the family revolves around rituals and traditions.  They create stability and security in the home environment that can never be underestimated.  In fact, these routines and rituals have proven to be effective in keeping families together and in preventing members from getting into difficult situations. 

            Traditions and rituals need not be time honored and centuries old.  They only need to be something that is done by a family every so often.  So, it is never too late to start these routines and rituals.  The trick is for an influential member of the family to initiate it, and to get the commitment of the various members to sustain the activity.  Getting input from each member actually helps in involving everyone, and promotes the commitment to the whole family. 

            As you think about this topic of rituals in families, can you think about the rituals your family did when you were growing up?  If you have your own family now, how have you continued these traditions?  What are the new habits you made up for your spouse and children?   Do you think there are new routines and rituals you would like your family to adapt?  If so, what would they be? 

Multiple Intelligence

          Michael has never been very good at school.  He passes most of his subjects, and occasionally fails an exam or two.   His parents were quite worried for him that they asked the guidance office of his school to check if there was anything wrong with him.  He was just not interested in doing his school work.   Instead of doing his homework or studying after school, he spent much time going through his model car collection.  He knew all the various brands and makes of cars.  In fact, he can go on and on when he talked about cars.  He is most excited when he attends motor shows, and engages exhibitors in high level conversations about cars.   

            Lisa is now attending her third school.  She was asked to withdraw from two earlier ones because she walked around class and distracted her teachers and classmates.  Obviously, she is not doing well in school, and has been, at least in some occasions, branded as a trouble maker.  If there is anything that Lisa loves to do, it is to dance.  When she first saw the room of her dance classes, her face lit up and she moved in the room as if this was the place that was always meant for her.  She loves to dance, and hopes to become a professional dancer one day. 

            Admittedly on the extreme side, these are two examples of how children are very differently gifted.  The talents of these children are easily overlooked when we put them in the context of a traditional school that may require abilities and areas of study that these children are neither good at nor interested. 

            In reaction to the whole idea of intelligence being focused mainly on school learning, and measuring competence solely on the basis of academic achievement, Howard Gardner developed the idea that intelligence is really quite broad.  When he first introduced this multiplicity of intelligence, he initially proposed 7 areas that fit his rather stringent criteria.  Over the last 10 years or so, an additional two are also being suggested. 

            Here is a list of the various intelligences, as proposed by Gardner: 

·         Logical-Mathematical – the ability to understand causal relationships among different but related components, often seen in reasoning and mathematical operations; 

·         Verbal-Linguistic – the capacity to express oneself using language, manifested through the appreciation and creation of literary works; 

·         Visual-Spatial – the understanding of  the dimensions and limits of a given space, as seen in the way an architect or interior designer utilizes it for specific living and working areas and the way an artist would transform a blank piece of canvass into a coherent picture;

·         Musical – the talent for following and creating a synchronous beat and integrating it with a melody and harmony;

·         Bodily Kinesthetic – the understanding of one’s body and its movements, as demonstrated by dancers and athletes;

·         Intrapersonal – the clarity of one’s knowledge of oneself, one’s strengths and weaknesses and one’s inner workings; 

·         Interpersonal – the knowledge of other people fundamental in good social interactions, and in building and maintaining relationships;  

·         Existential – the ability to ponder and build mastery in grappling with life’s great questions, as seen among the great philosophers and teachers of old; and

·         Naturalist – the competence in understanding and interacting with various living things, and in deciphering the signs of the natural world. 

From this list, one can see that school-related learning usually develops only the first two.  Children who are talented in the other areas defined by Gardner will naturally have hobbies and interests related to the other intelligences.  Michael and Lisa show talents in some of these areas.  Now, who is to say that they are not intelligent just because they do not do well in school? 

Red Flags and Self-Help for the OFW

Joey just moved to Myanmar three months ago.  He found a job that paid him very good money there, and did not think twice about going.  He knew that he could provide a better life for his wife and 2 children this way.  Little did he know that the way of life in this distant land is far from what he had imagined.  Ibang-iba ang pamumuhay at kaugalian ng mga tao, at nag-iisa siyang Pilipino sa kanyang pinapasukan.  He felt increasingly isolated and homesick.  He had paid a big sum to get his papers in order, and he was not just about to pack up and leave.  Increasingly, he has been feeling sad, and he lost his appetite, and find himself sleeping a lot. 

Although feeling sad in the course of adjusting to a new environment may not necessarily be detrimental to a person, there are also red flags that may indicate a need to seek professional help.  These are often associated with the severity, pervasiveness and chronicity of one’s reactions.  Kinakailangang kumonsulta sa isang doktor, sikolohista o counselor kung ikaw ay nakakaranas ng ilan sa mga sumusunod dala ng pangingibang bansa: 

§  Matinding kalungkutan at madalas na pag-iiyak;

§  Hindi makatulog sa magdamag o sobrang tulog sa buong maghapon;

§  Feeling giddy and anxious for no apparent reason;

§  Feeling worthless and hopeless for most part of the days;

§  Kawalan ng gana kumain o sobra-sobra sa pagkain;

§  Becoming easily irritable and excitable;

§  Losing energy to do anything and feeling listless;

§  Lubang pangangamba o pag-aalala sa lahat ng bagay;

§  Unexplained anxiety or extreme fears; and

§  Pag-iisip ang kamatayan o kagustuhang mamatay (you need to see someone immediately if you start thinking of suicide).

Upang matulungan ang sarili na masanay sa bagong kapaligiran, kinakailangang alagaan muna ang sarili.  Mahalaga ang pagkain at ang pahinga sa wastong panahon.  Here are some other tips in making one’s adjustment easier: 

§  Magsulat ng liham o email sa mga kamag-anak at kaibigan;

§  Reach out to other people around you;

§  Sumali sa mga programa para sa mga kababayan, gaya ng pagkanta sa simbahan o pagvo-volunteer sa mga samahan;

§  Do something you enjoy, such as, singing and taking a stroll in the park;

§  Mag-aral ng panibagong gawain, gaya ng pananahi o pag-aaral ng ibang wika;

§  Do regular physical exercise;

§  Arrange a regular time that you can talk to loved ones back home; or

§  Pagbisita sa magagandang tanawin. 

Joey eventually sought the help of their company physician and was referred to a specialist.  He eventually decided to return home for a few months, and was able to recuperate.  Luckily, the company where he worked allowed him to return.  With the support of his family, he was better able to adjust to his life overseas.