When OFW’s Reunite with their Children (2)

     Last week, I outlined the difficulties that both parents and children go through when they reunite after many years of living in different places.  In many instances, this reunification happens in a country outside the Philippines, where parents have stayed for a number of years and are often more familiar with the local environment and culture than are children who just joined them.  Many times, children have been living with relatives in the Philippines and are not even emotionally close to their parents. 

     This week, I would like to focus on what these families might want to do in order to effectively deal with the stresses that are inherent in this happy event of reunification. 

     I believe that the two most important elements that need to be present in these situations are open and honest communication, and a supportive environment.  Parents need to begin by creating a norm of being honest and open about their thoughts and feelings.  In modeling this behavior, they can also encourage their children to fearlessly speak their hearts and minds without fear of being misinterpreted or even scolded.  At the same time, they need to be sensitive to how their children might feel and to always remind their children that they will be there for them through their difficulties.  When I say this, I do not mean to spoil the children and give them everything we think they want.  Rather, what I mean here is to establish clear and constant routines each day, complete with realistic expectations for each child.  Parents can foster these through the following: 

- Creating a daily routine for each one to follow (yes, schedules work very well for young people);

- Assigning reasonable and age-appropriate chores for each individual, which are open for negotiations;

- Clearly stating expectations from each child (e.g., curfew, school-related behaviors and results, making friends with others, etc.);

- Having regular meals together and using these occasions to talk about each other’s days;

- Spending alone time with each child, doing something that that child likes to do on a fairly regular basis (e.g., once a week or once every 2 weeks);

- Listening to one another and genuinely understanding what the other person might mean when they say something;

- Paying attention not only to what is being said but also to the more subtle the emotional content (or what is not being said but is being communicated);

- Refraining from scolding children when they say something apparently disrespectful, but to help them find ways to say what they want to say in a more acceptable way;

- Negotiating any rule or expectation that might be deemed unrealistic or too difficult for a particular child; and

- Making sure that there is time for fun and enjoyment with the whole family. 

     In cases when children moved from the Philippines to a new country, parents need to understand that the uprooting of their children will be difficult.  They probably need to mourn over this drastic change, and find ways to be able to nurture the relationships they left back home.  And so, children may need to be given ample opportunities to communicate with their friends and relatives back in the Philippines.  At the same time, parents also need to orient their children to the life in their environment.  They might like to talk about their own struggles in adjusting to the life in the host country, and what helped them deal with these difficulties. 

     If you find that you are having significant difficulties managing the situation of your family when you are in a situation as I have described here, you might want to consider seeking the help of friend or extended family who are accessible.  In the absence of such natural social support, professional help might also be considered.  Ideally, face-to-face consultations with a psychologist or counselor might be indicated.  However, you might also consider the online help provided by the Department of Psychology at the Ateneo de Manila University.  Free online counseling services for OFW’s and their families can be accessed through the following website http://ofwonline.net. 

When OFW’s Reunite with their Children

Annalyn has mixed feelings about finally joining her parents in Italy.  She is quite excited that she will be living in Europe, and she has heard many wonderful stories about the country where her parents have worked for the past 15 years.  She was only barely three when her mother left to work in the said country, and her father followed a couple of years later.  Unknown to her parents and relatives, she is really very fearful of the move.  She does not know what to expect, and knows very little about the life she is about to face.  Although she loves her parents and has positive feelings towards them, she also does not know them beyond the regular weekly phone conversations they have had over the years and their annual month-long visits to the Philippines.  She is most anxious about leaving behind her aunt and grandmother who have been substitute parents to her all these years.  She is also sad about leaving her friends and the life she knows in the Philippines. 

For some of our kababayans, being able to bring their families to the country where they have been working and living for the past many years is a dream come true.  It is an apparent culmination of what seems to be a lifetime’s worth of striving and scrimping in order to provide well for themselves and their families.  Having their children join them overseas, to share a life together as a family after so many years, is certainly a yearning of many of our OFW’s. 

I can understand that for many OFW parents, being able to get their children to join them is an ultimate goal.  They understand that being together is important.  They might also think about the advantages of having their children live in a wealthier society, and enjoy the amenities and benefits of such an environment.  Ultimately, they are able to provide a better future for themselves and their children, which was the primary goal of working abroad to begin with. 

What many of these OFW parents may not clearly understand is the amount of stress that all these change can bring about to each individual in the family.  The adjustment is simply tremendous, and this change cannot be taken lightly.  For parents, taking on the full time role of managing their older, but not yet adult, children can be quite a handful.  From not having children for many years, they might find themselves having to take care of young people who have minds of their own.  The dynamics between husband and wife will change, as children come into the picture.  On the part of the children, much more drastic adjustment will have to happen.  From living in the Philippines, they find themselves in a totally foreign environment.  They were taken away from their support system at home, be this friends or other relatives, and brought to a very different environment where very little is familiar.  They might even go to a school where the language spoken is totally different from what they are used to hearing and speaking, such as, in the case of Annalyn.   Their daily routines will also markedly change. 

On top of the cultural and daily adjustment that the children have to go through, the gap between who they have become and their parents’ current expectations might have widened over the time that they have not been living together.  All of a sudden, children need to adjust to possibly new ways of managing the household, and even household rules for them to follow.  They might be scolded for behaviors they have never had to correct previously.  On the one hand, their parents could be stricter than their guardians in the Philippines.  On the other hand, their parents may not find the need to be strict with their children and simply let them do as they please.  Either way, children will need to adjust to living with their parents. 

So far, I have highlighted the potential challenges that face parents and children who reunite after years of living apart.  I have made an example of children who join their parents overseas.  However, there are also occasions when parents come back to join their children in the Philippines.  Whatever the case, huge adjustments will have to happen to all parties involved. 

Next week, I shall discuss tips to help in this adjustment.  Meanwhile, I would like to plug our free online counseling service at http://ofwonline.net for OFW’s and their families. 

Ang Bagong Ama (The New Father)

            For some of you who bring your children to school or are active in the parent associations of your children’s schools, you might notice that there are more and more fathers getting involved in our children’s education and day-to-day upbringing.  Although this was traditionally the mothers’ job, men are starting to take on this role.  One of my colleagues, Melissa Garabiles, did her thesis on this topic and found out some interesting information about this emerging phenomenon in Phlippine society. 

            Apart from the stay-at-home father phenomenon that has been happening in many developed countries, the changing demographics of our Overseas Filipino Workers (OFW’s) have led to this shift of parenting roles in our country.   According to data from the Philippine Overseas Employment Administration (POEA), the numbers of Filipino women leaving the country to work overseas has been increasing over the past 2 decades, and has surpassed the number of men leaving the country in some of the years past.  With this feminization of our OFW’s, there are more children left in the country with only their fathers to take care of them.  Melissa called them the “Bagong Ama (new father).” 

            The research that Melissa undertook identified the factors that helped our Bagong Ama to achieve a sense of wellbeing.  She identified the following: 

• That the men continued to perceive themselves as the head of the family, and maintained the traditional position of a father in the Filipino household. 
• Despite this acknowledgement of their role as the head of the family, they were also able to adjust to their new role as the main caregiver in the home and the manager of the household.  They also adjusted to the idea that their wives are the one’s bringing home the bacon.  This led to a more egalitarian relationship between husband and wife.  
• They also see themselves as the primary teachers of their children, seeing the need for them to impart what they know, their beliefs and value system to their children. 
• These men were also able to seek the support of their peers—old friends and new ones who share their situation as a single parent.  Many of these Bagong Ama found themselves joining church groups and other socio-civic organizations.  

            Melissa also took a look at the level of involvement these fathers had in raising their children.  She found that our Bagong Ama tended to get more involved in child rearing on a day-to-day basis when they: 

•  Feel confident about their abilities in performing this role;
•  Can see that what they do brings about results, that they are effective;
•  Have the unwavering support of their wives who are overseas;
•  Possess the support of extended family members in performing this role; and 
•  Are able to access the help and support of their friends and peers. 

             This study is very relevant for us Filipinos as it helps us understand the plight of the OFW’s, as it changes the context of the basic unit of our society—the family.  In a way, it breaks the stereotype of men who have to project a macho image and be involved only in manly things.  It also helps us reconsider the stories we have heard of unemployed men who abuse alcohol and family members.  It is a positive look at factors that appear to matter in the adjustment of men in the novel situation of being the only caregiver at home.  In identifying these factors, these men can direct their efforts in helping themselves.  Those around them can also contribute in accepting this new role and supporting them in happily fulfilling it. 

Christmas for the OFWs

           In a few days, we will be celebrating Christmas Day.  Here in Manila, the holiday fever is on.  Traffic on the roads is heavier than usual.  Malls are brimming with people.  Reunions and gift giving abound, and there are parties to attend.  Food also seems more abundant, and people more generous than usual.

The experience of Christmas for our countrymen who are abroad is certainly different.  For many of our overseas Filipino workers (OFWs), it can be a particularly difficult time.  For many, this holiday season might be the time when they miss the Philippines the most, especially for those who are not with their families.  Our countrymen living in different parts of the world can experience Christmas in a totally different way from how this holiday is celebrated in the Philippines.  There are, of course, many places—even in nearby countries in Southeast Asia—where Christmas is not even a holiday.  That’s not easy to imagine for those of us who have never been overseas, but it is a very real experience for our countrymen who make sacrifices to work and live in these non-Christian countries.

OFWs try the best that they can to come home to visit family over the holidays.  This is a good practice that allows those working overseas to re-connect with family and friends at the time when people usually have reunions and gatherings.

For every OFW who comes home for the Christmas holidays, however, there are hundreds more who do not.  This is vulnerable time for many of our countrymen who remain abroad.  This is the time when they can easily feel lonely and sad.  Here are a few tips that our kababayans can do when they are overseas during the holidays: 

·         Gather friends and celebrate; 

·         Find someone with whom you can share your feelings honestly;

·         Call your loved ones in the Philippines;  

·         Do something you enjoy doing where you are (e.g., engaging in a hobby, going to a nice place; watch an old movie, view photographs of happier times, etc.);

·         Treat yourself to a nice meal;

·         Volunteer to help the less fortunate; and

·         Set goals for the coming year, and compose necessary steps in order to achieve this.  

This list is by no means complete.  I’m sure there are many creative OFWs out there who can very likely add a few more.  Do feel free to leave your ideas in the comment box below, if you have other ideas that you would like to share to others. 

          What is most important to note, particularly in the holiday season, is not to feel so lonely and sad that it disrupts in your daily routines and in accomplishing your day-to-day tasks.  When you or someone you know start to isolate and do not mingle too much with others, and emptiness or sadness creeps in more often, maybe it is time to do something about these feelings.  Of course, reaching out to others and becoming more active will certainly help.  Knowing when to seek professional help is also valuable. 

Red Flags and Self-Help for the OFW

Joey just moved to Myanmar three months ago.  He found a job that paid him very good money there, and did not think twice about going.  He knew that he could provide a better life for his wife and 2 children this way.  Little did he know that the way of life in this distant land is far from what he had imagined.  Ibang-iba ang pamumuhay at kaugalian ng mga tao, at nag-iisa siyang Pilipino sa kanyang pinapasukan.  He felt increasingly isolated and homesick.  He had paid a big sum to get his papers in order, and he was not just about to pack up and leave.  Increasingly, he has been feeling sad, and he lost his appetite, and find himself sleeping a lot. 

Although feeling sad in the course of adjusting to a new environment may not necessarily be detrimental to a person, there are also red flags that may indicate a need to seek professional help.  These are often associated with the severity, pervasiveness and chronicity of one’s reactions.  Kinakailangang kumonsulta sa isang doktor, sikolohista o counselor kung ikaw ay nakakaranas ng ilan sa mga sumusunod dala ng pangingibang bansa: 

§  Matinding kalungkutan at madalas na pag-iiyak;

§  Hindi makatulog sa magdamag o sobrang tulog sa buong maghapon;

§  Feeling giddy and anxious for no apparent reason;

§  Feeling worthless and hopeless for most part of the days;

§  Kawalan ng gana kumain o sobra-sobra sa pagkain;

§  Becoming easily irritable and excitable;

§  Losing energy to do anything and feeling listless;

§  Lubang pangangamba o pag-aalala sa lahat ng bagay;

§  Unexplained anxiety or extreme fears; and

§  Pag-iisip ang kamatayan o kagustuhang mamatay (you need to see someone immediately if you start thinking of suicide).

Upang matulungan ang sarili na masanay sa bagong kapaligiran, kinakailangang alagaan muna ang sarili.  Mahalaga ang pagkain at ang pahinga sa wastong panahon.  Here are some other tips in making one’s adjustment easier: 

§  Magsulat ng liham o email sa mga kamag-anak at kaibigan;

§  Reach out to other people around you;

§  Sumali sa mga programa para sa mga kababayan, gaya ng pagkanta sa simbahan o pagvo-volunteer sa mga samahan;

§  Do something you enjoy, such as, singing and taking a stroll in the park;

§  Mag-aral ng panibagong gawain, gaya ng pananahi o pag-aaral ng ibang wika;

§  Do regular physical exercise;

§  Arrange a regular time that you can talk to loved ones back home; or

§  Pagbisita sa magagandang tanawin. 

Joey eventually sought the help of their company physician and was referred to a specialist.  He eventually decided to return home for a few months, and was able to recuperate.  Luckily, the company where he worked allowed him to return.  With the support of his family, he was better able to adjust to his life overseas.