Anger

            Anger is one of the emotions that is least understood.  For many of us, we were taught from the time we were young that we cannot be angry, that being angry is wrong.  So, instead of learning how to manage this most natural of reactions, over time, we either suppress it until a point that we cannot help ourselves and we erupt like a volcano or hide it and express it in less obvious ways. 

            One favorite of Filipinos in expressing anger covertly is through passive-aggressive means.  Not saying or doing what is expected as a way of getting back at the person who is the object of anger is the usual method done.  We can also appear friendly and nice to a person when they are around, but we can be less friendly and uncaring in the absence of the same person. 

            We also need to understand that anger, just like with other feelings, presents itself in different degrees.  We can be annoyed and irritated at first.  This can then progress to anger, and then to rage and fury.  Although this progression can happen very quickly for some of us, it is important to know that there are milder degrees of the same emotion.  This is one key to helping us manage this emotion better. 

            Anger, just like happiness and sadness, is a feeling.  It is an emotional reaction that we get when we have been hurt or wronged.  When we are mad, it energizes us to do something about our situation.  It is the emotion that helps us avoid or confront potentially life-threatening situations.  So, having some anger can sometimes be helpful for our survival as a species. 

            In modern society, however, there are not very many situations when we need to defend ourselves from a significant threat to our lives.  And so, we tend to think that anger is less useful.  Nevertheless, there are times when anger can be quite helpful when it is expressed appropriately.  Asserting ourselves to others when we have been wronged or when we are unable to get what we need and want is one such way that anger can be channeled constructively.  For us Filipinos, we avoid asserting ourselves for fear of being perceived as arrogant and self-centered.  And yet, only when we are able to express our feelings using words, and effectively express what we want from a situation or person can we really use our anger without hurting others or ourselves. 

            Many people have various myths about their anger that prevent them from identifying it to the relevant people.  Here are some of these myths: 

1)      I do not need to say that I am angry because the other person should know it already without me having to say it. 

2)      My actions speak louder than my words.  If the other person cares, he/she should know that I am angry. 

3)      Saying that I am angry to the person who is the object of my anger only makes me vulnerable to further hurt and disappointment. 

4)      Anger is wrong; so, I cannot admit this to others. 

I say that these are myths because it is these thoughts that promote hostile interactions that bring about more hurt than healing. 

            In learning to understand ourselves, we need to know that feeling angry is a natural part of our emotional reactions.  With this admission, we can better admit to ourselves that there is nothing wrong to being angry, and admitting this to others can oftentimes be helpful.  Such heightened self-awareness and honesty to others can be the seeds of more mature interchanges with others.