Loss, Grief and the Emergence of Hope

Anybody who has gone through the pain of loss knows that grief and bereavement is often a dark and lonely path. Although the company of friends and family can alleviate some of the pain, the journey is essentially taken alone by the individual.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is a major name in the area of grief and bereavement. In her book “On Death and Dying,” she outlined 5 stages that people often go through when encountering loss. These 5 stages are as follows:
1. Denial – “This is not happening to me.” “This is all a dream.”
This is often the initial state of disbelief we undergo when we are shocked by an unforeseen event.
2. Anger – “Why me?” “Who is to blame?”
This is a difficult stage with rather challenging feelings of resentment, envy and rage are pronounced. Oftentimes, grieving persons target certain persons or institutions as the source of their misery.
3. Bargaining – “Maybe a miracle will happen if I seek…” “If I prayed hard…”
This is the time when an individual tries to find various ways to try to soften the blow of one’s circumstances (e.g., prolong one’s life, find a miracle cure, act differently to change the expected outcome, etc.). This is a time of seeing if there is a way to get another chance at things.
4. Depression – “There is nothing I can do to change my situation.” “I am helpless.”
The eventuality of the inevitable dawns on the individual, and the person feels powerless. Much sadness and anguish is experienced at this stage.
5. Acceptance – “Everything will be fine.” “I can still do something with what I have.”
The individual faces the reality of his/her situation and makes appropriate decisions on what he/she wants for him/herself. Oftentimes, a person who has reached this stage also finds meaning in the significant loss, and bears some form of hope for themselves and others.

Although these stages were originally developed when people facing life-threatening illnesses were observed, I often find similar stages going on with people facing difficult situations in their lives. This can be anything from losing an object of some sentimental value to dealing with the reality of having a child with special needs. Even the loss of a dream can trigger this grief response. Whenever our hopes and expectations are not met, we perceive some loss and undergo emotional reactions as a result. Needless to say, our reactions are often proportionate to the size of the loss we actually experience and the meaning we place on this matter.

Interestingly, these stages of bereavement are part of a natural process that does not take special effort. When feelings are accepted as they come, this process happens spontaneously. It is a natural way that we let go.

Nevertheless, extreme feelings can lead us to behave in destructive ways. It is easy to see how extreme anger can cause harm on other people or oneself. With depression, the consequences are less obvious. For instance, a person going through extreme sadness might withdraw from any social contact and stop eating for many days. In such extreme instances, professional help (e.g., counselors and psychologists) might be needed to assist the person in facilitating the grief process.

Even as these stages are neatly defined and ordered, I often see that people grieve in different ways. Some people stay in one stage longer than others, and might need to revisit earlier stages along the way. So, the stages are not necessarily successive, but rather cyclical.

Although the bereavement process is a dark and lonely path, it is also one that can bring forth much meaning and hope in one’s life. This process can be likened to the lotus flower. This most beautiful of flowers emerges from the murkiest mud, and yet its appearance betrays these origins. Like the process of bereavement, the shining light of hope and meaning betrays its murky and dark origins.