When OFW’s Reunite with their Children (2)

     Last week, I outlined the difficulties that both parents and children go through when they reunite after many years of living in different places.  In many instances, this reunification happens in a country outside the Philippines, where parents have stayed for a number of years and are often more familiar with the local environment and culture than are children who just joined them.  Many times, children have been living with relatives in the Philippines and are not even emotionally close to their parents. 

     This week, I would like to focus on what these families might want to do in order to effectively deal with the stresses that are inherent in this happy event of reunification. 

     I believe that the two most important elements that need to be present in these situations are open and honest communication, and a supportive environment.  Parents need to begin by creating a norm of being honest and open about their thoughts and feelings.  In modeling this behavior, they can also encourage their children to fearlessly speak their hearts and minds without fear of being misinterpreted or even scolded.  At the same time, they need to be sensitive to how their children might feel and to always remind their children that they will be there for them through their difficulties.  When I say this, I do not mean to spoil the children and give them everything we think they want.  Rather, what I mean here is to establish clear and constant routines each day, complete with realistic expectations for each child.  Parents can foster these through the following: 

- Creating a daily routine for each one to follow (yes, schedules work very well for young people);

- Assigning reasonable and age-appropriate chores for each individual, which are open for negotiations;

- Clearly stating expectations from each child (e.g., curfew, school-related behaviors and results, making friends with others, etc.);

- Having regular meals together and using these occasions to talk about each other’s days;

- Spending alone time with each child, doing something that that child likes to do on a fairly regular basis (e.g., once a week or once every 2 weeks);

- Listening to one another and genuinely understanding what the other person might mean when they say something;

- Paying attention not only to what is being said but also to the more subtle the emotional content (or what is not being said but is being communicated);

- Refraining from scolding children when they say something apparently disrespectful, but to help them find ways to say what they want to say in a more acceptable way;

- Negotiating any rule or expectation that might be deemed unrealistic or too difficult for a particular child; and

- Making sure that there is time for fun and enjoyment with the whole family. 

     In cases when children moved from the Philippines to a new country, parents need to understand that the uprooting of their children will be difficult.  They probably need to mourn over this drastic change, and find ways to be able to nurture the relationships they left back home.  And so, children may need to be given ample opportunities to communicate with their friends and relatives back in the Philippines.  At the same time, parents also need to orient their children to the life in their environment.  They might like to talk about their own struggles in adjusting to the life in the host country, and what helped them deal with these difficulties. 

     If you find that you are having significant difficulties managing the situation of your family when you are in a situation as I have described here, you might want to consider seeking the help of friend or extended family who are accessible.  In the absence of such natural social support, professional help might also be considered.  Ideally, face-to-face consultations with a psychologist or counselor might be indicated.  However, you might also consider the online help provided by the Department of Psychology at the Ateneo de Manila University.  Free online counseling services for OFW’s and their families can be accessed through the following website http://ofwonline.net.