Adjusting to Life Abroad

Ang karanasan ng bawat OFW sa bawat sulok ng mundo ay magkakaiba; mayroong mga nagtatrabaho sa barko, mayroong mga DH, may mga nars, at mayroon ding mga professional sa halos lahat ng klaseng trabaho.  In almost every corner of the globe, Filipinos are almost always present.  And even though the specific experiences of our kababayans working in different settings across the seven continents are as varied as the individuals themselves, there are common themes that many Filipinos who leave our beloved homeland (whether they are alone or they are accompanied by family and friends) experience.  These common experiences can be classified under two categories, namely:  cultural adjustment and a sense of isolation. 

Sakop ng tinatawag na cultural adjustment ang paninibago sa banyagang kapaligiran, kaugalian at kultura.  Kasali dito ang mga sumusunod: 

§  Ang paninibago sa pagkain, pananamit, at pang-araw-araw na gawain sa ibang bansa;

§  Adjustment to weather conditions and climate changes;

§  Ang pagbibilang ng halaga ng mga bilihin at kung magkano lang ang mga ito sa Pilipinas;

§  Changes to one’s lifestyle and pace of life, including daily routines;

§  Ang pagtitipid para makapagpadala ng mas malaki sa pamilya na naiwan sa inang bayan;

§  Different (and usually better) public amenities and facilities available;

§  Ang kakulangan ng pag-unawa sa pagitan ng OFW at ng mga kasamahang banyaga; at

§  Ang kakaibang paraan ng pakikipagkaibigan at pakikihalubilo sa mga foreigners;

Ang isolation ay ang pagkalumbay na nararanasan ng marami, kahit na mayroong mga ibang kasamahang Pilipino sa kapaligiran.  Kasali dito ang paghahanap ng mga bagay na nakasanayan sa inang bayan, gaya ng mga programa sa telebisyon, komiks, at pagkain.  This sense of isolation is often observed through the following behaviors: 

§  Kalungkutan, pagkalumbay, pagtitiis sa mga hirap na dinaranas; 

§  Yearning for friends and loved ones back home;

§  Mistulang nawawalang kumpiyansa sa sariling kakayahan;

§  Insecurity over one’s abilities and being unsure of how one compares to foreign colleagues;

§  Paghangad na makapag-salita sa sariling wika; at

§  Kawalan ng gana sa maraming bagay.

Cultural adjustment and feelings of isolation are probably necessary in the process of getting used to living in a new environment.  The examples given above happen with many, if not all, of us who have to adapt to a new set of surroundings.  Natural lang ito at hindi dapat ipangamba.  Adjustment in a new country can usually takes anywhere from a few weeks to about a year.  For some, it may be easier to adjust, for others it may take longer.    

In the Service of Overseas Filipino Workers (OFWs) and Their Families

This week and in the next two weeks, I wanted to focus on something I have not yet tackled in this blog.  It is the phenomenon of our fellow Filipinos who are working overseas.  According to latest statistics, this growing number of people roughly constitutes 10 percent of the country’s population, and is estimated to be about 11 million worldwide.  That’s a staggering number, isn’t it? 

The Filipino diaspora is such a significant phenomenon that affects many aspects of Philippine society.  As a Filipino psychologist, I cannot deny the impact of this reality in the lives of many Filipinos, both living in the Philippines and those who are abroad.  Many who have left their families to work overseas to provide better opportunities for their loved ones.  The absence of parents among families with young children is just one of the social impacts of this phenomenon. 

Last week, I did some training for this semester’s new batch of volunteer counselors for the OFW Online project.  A brainchild of Dr. Gina Hechanova, one of my colleagues at the Department of Psychology at the Ateneo de Manila University and a recent Ten Outstanding Women in the Nation’s Service (TOWNS) Awardee, she started an online portal for our compatriots overseas and their family members.  In its bilingual (English and Filipino) home page (http://ofwonline.net/), it says: 

“Welcome to OFWOnline! We know that being an OFW or having an OFW as a parent is difficult. That’s why we created this site to provide a venue where OFWs and their families can seek support from either their peers or trained counselors. There are three services that are being offered for free in this site: counseling services, family chat, and forums.”  

The project began in 2009 as an experiment of sorts.  As online counseling is really quite new, it turned out to be an experiment that was worth continuing.  Apart from the potential of reaching out to the millions of Filipinos overseas and their families, it also served as the research and training venue for the Department of Psychology of the Ateneo de Manila. 

It is a project that has modest funding, and many of the people involved volunteer their time, effort and expertise.  Most of our counselors are students of counseling psychology in our graduate program, and aim to provide decent and professional counseling services at no cost to the users. 

Many people are looking for opportunities to help others.  If you are one of these people, here are a few ways you can help us:

§  Spread the word about the OFW Online website (http://ofwonline.net/) to anybody you think might benefit from it;

§  Tag the site  or this article on your facebook, twitter, or other networking sites so more people will know about this website and project; or  

§  Donate money or introduce us to benefactors who can help sustain the project. 

Counseling and Psychotherapy

            “Am I going crazy?!”  This is a question we often hear from people who are referred to a psychologist for counseling or psychotherapy.  These persons are also afraid of what other people might think or say about them if they do consult a psychologist for such services.  This is unfortunate because there are many people who can benefit from these services, but who opt not to do so because of this fear. 

            In this post, I wish to explain what counseling and psychotherapy are, and where these services can be helpful. 

Counseling and psychotherapy are actually very similar.  Some people would use these terms interchangeably, but others will want to distinguish them.  One way of setting them apart is thinking of the person who is doing the work.  Essentially, counselors are trained to do counseling, and psychotherapists or psychologists are trained to do psychotherapy.  Another way that some people would distinguish the two is by the severity of problems that is in the focus of the intervention.  Counseling often deals with relatively straightforward problems of living (e.g., stress management, relationship problems, career choices, grief and loss, etc.) whereas psychotherapy might deal with clinical concerns and significant difficulties in functioning (e.g., clinical depression, excessive anxiety, phobias, psychological trauma, etc.). 

Counseling and psychotherapy are both interventions that largely employ talking.  It involves a professional relationship between one who seeks help and the service provider, similar to that of a patient and a doctor.  People who seek counseling and psychotherapy are referred to as “clients.” 

There are many ways of doing counseling and psychotherapy.  They can also be conducted with individuals, couples, families and groups.  Nevertheless, there are essential features that need to be present when these services are provided.  These basic features include the following: 

1.      As with any professional service, they need to follow basic ethical practices.  Some of these basic conventions include the assurance of client confidentiality and safety and that the nature of the relationship is strictly professional (i.e., they are not related in any context other than as psychologist-client).   

2.      The client is respected at all times, and their preferences are elicited and taken seriously. 

3.      The methods and strategies used are not harmful to the client or any other person, and are parallel to the goals of treatment.   

4.      The counselor or psychologist is both collaborative and supportive to the client at all times. 

            In both counseling and psychotherapy, clients are given the opportunity to express their thoughts, feelings and behaviors about their experiences.  In this process, they are empowered and supported by the therapist.  Through all these, counseling and psychotherapy often have multiple functions and benefits.  For one, they can elicit some insights about the client that promote a better way of handling personal matters.  For another, a client can learn more effective skills and habits in managing one’s emotions, endeavors, and relationships.  Yet another is the way they can facilitate the emotional journey of coming to terms with difficult or very stressful life circumstances, and enhance one’s sense of wellness.  Still another, they can promote a more realistic and positive sense of self.  Finally, counseling and psychotherapy can lead one to forge a clearer direction in one’s path of being. 

            Counseling and psychotherapy can really be quite helpful to just about anybody.  Would you consider these services for yourself?   

IQ vs. EQ

            Intelligence is a rather controversial topic.  It is much desired but little understood. 

            IQ stands for Intelligence Quotient.  It is called such because there was a time when the age equivalent of one’s performance in certain predefined tasks was divided by one’s current age, and the quotient is multiplied by 100 to arrive at a score.  If a person performed at par with age expectations, the score that you will get would fall on or roughly approximate 100.  Following this logic, the higher one’s score is from 100, the more intelligent that person, and the lower it is from 100, the less intelligent.  Although intelligence tests have veered away from this concept of age expectations for at least the last 50 or so years, the name IQ continues to represent a single number that supposedly summarized one’s intellectual abilities.  

            So, what’s the hype with IQ scores, and so what if one has a very high IQ score?  Time and again, research in the west show that current IQ tests are only related to one’s performance in school.  It has little or nothing to do with one’s happiness, work life, family life, or even future success. 

            Over the last decade or so, the term EQ was popularized by Time magazine, when it featured Daniel Goleman’s book called Emotional Intelligence.  EQ was certainly a spin on the more popularly known IQ.  In this book, Goleman highlighted the research of how socio-emotional skills were more reliable indicators of happiness and success in one’s life.  Although there is no test that can definitively measure one’s so-called “emotional intelligence,” Goleman summarized the pervading knowledge about how personal clarity and emotional management can lead to a personal sense of wellbeing and success in various aspects of life. 

            Emotional intelligence begins with understanding oneself well, and striving towards ever greater understanding as one goes through one’s experiences.  It then leads to an acceptance of the person that one is, warts and all.  With this understanding comes a workable mastery of one’s reactions and eccentricities.  One is then able to take responsibility and to find ways to deal with one’s reactions to people, situations, and events.  Over time, one is able to manage one’s emotions well enough to pay attention to and to address other people’s feelings and reactions.  This involves a dynamic process of doing constant self-checks and responding to relevant cues from others.   

            It is said that it is one’s IQ that lands one in a good job, but it is one’s EQ that enables that person to keep that job and to even get promoted.  To some extent this statement is true, depending, of course, on the kind of job we are talking about.  Suffice it to say that when an endeavor requires working with other people, be they superiors, subordinates or peers, there will be a need to use one’s emotional intelligence. 

            Having a high IQ or being smart in the traditional sense has its value. For instance, we have heard of the extreme instance of the recluse scientist whose inventions have led to the marked improvements in the lives of people because of some mathematical equation they were able to prove.  We need brilliant intellectuals and researchers to shed light on some of the biggest problems that we face, and some of these people have ill-developed socio-emotional skills. 

            In the end, what is more important, IQ or EQ?  I say that they are both important.  I believe that our responsibility lies in developing our gifts and potentials.  If we are blessed with a good intellect, we need to nurture that for our own and the benefit of society in general.  Similarly, we also need to learn about ourselves and learn to relate to others in the best way possible.  This also has its obvious benefits. 

Negotiation as Conflict Resolution





Being in conflict with someone can be very stressful; it can drain much energy from anyone.  Be it at home or at work, when we have a conflicted relationship with a person who is part of our lives in one way or another, we are often unable to deny the fact that we are at least somewhat affected. 

Because of the many thoughts and reactions we might have in face of a conflict, we are often unable to think clearly about the situation and react to what we perceive is going on.  Because we are feeling hurt or disadvantaged—even taken advantage of in some instances—we tend to think that our misery was caused by the other person.  “If only that person did this or did not do this, I would be better off,” we might think to ourselves.  Most or all the blame for one’s sad state tends to fall on the other person. 

When we are feeling vulnerable over a situation, the typical reaction is to protect oneself.  This can take the form of keeping to oneself, finding shelter to protect ourselves from further harm.  We can also launch an attack at our aggressor, whether we do this through active or passive means.  Passive means include doing nothing and omitting some expected actions to warrant notice, and sometimes, to inflict harm.  For instance, this can happen when a wife decides to stop cooking for her husband one day as a response to feeling hurt over something.  A friend can also ignore another person as a way of inflicting guilt over what the other had done.  Active means are direct confrontations and acts that cause harm on the other person. 

When we find ourselves in these conflicted situations with other people, matters can deteriorate very quickly.  Our ill feelings towards the person and the situation can make us want to either avoid and end the relationship all together or to escalate the interactions into ever increasing intensities of aggression.  We can then lose control, and the whole scenario turns ugly. 

Before anything turns ugly, I invite each one to step back and to look inside.  You might want to ask yourself the following questions: 

·         What bothered or hurt you in this situation? 

·         Now that this situation has happened and we can no longer turn back the hands of time, what can you do to make things better for yourself? 

·         How valuable is this relationship to you?  How much are you willing to give to be able to keep this relationship? 

·         What did I do wrong in this whole situation, whether at the start or in reaction to my own hurt feelings? 

·         What can I do to admit my faults to the other person? 

·         What can I do to make amends for the wrong that I have done? 

·         Thinking realistically, what would I want the other person to do to assuage my hurt? 

As you are able to answer these questions for yourself, invite the other person to answer the same questions as well.  If needed, you can invite a mutual friend or respected person to mediate between the two of you. 

            In answering the questions above, you are turning the conflict into a problem that needs to be solved, and not a fight you are aiming to win.  Only when both parties are able to lay down their cards on the table honestly, bearing only realistic expectations of oneself and others, can conflicts be better managed.  

Life Lessons through Sports

The other day, I had the chance to talk to an old schoolmate of mine who is into marathons.  He was walking with a limp, as he had just come from an ultra marathon over the weekend.  As he was encouraging me to join marathons as well, he highlighted the tremendous satisfaction he felt in finishing the long distance runs.  In turn, I told him how I could not imagine myself training for an event, running for an entire day, and only have blisters and sore, aching muscles to show for it in the end. 

He then shared with me his own experiences in joining these marathon and triathlons.  He recounted how when his leg muscles started to get sore in a race and he would look at his pedometer and feel discouraged that he had not yet run a third of the distance he was supposed to cover within the day.  In fact, this feeling that he might not make it to the finish can sometimes linger on for a few hours of the day.  He also admitted to me as we spoke that he was afraid of water, and that he was not a good swimmer.  And yet, he joined triathlons that required him to swim absurd distances.  He even recounted a time when he started to take in water as he swam, which caused him to panic.  He then went to the nearest buoy and calmed himself down. 

As he told me his story, my admiration for the man grew.  All along, I thought that ultra marathons and triathlons were about physical strength and endurance.  I was wrong.  I realized then that joining these long-distance races was about something less tangible and immensely important (not to say that physical strength and endurance were not immensely important too).  It honed life skills that built upon self-mastery.  Ultimately, it was something within that was honed. 

Over the past few years, I know that this friend of mine had gone through many challenges in his life.  I often wondered what got him going and where he found his strength.  I realized from our conversation the other day that joining races played a major part in helping him weather the storms that came along his path.  Conquering his own feelings of discouragement and pessimism enabled him to take the next step.  He can still do it, even if his feet are already getting blisters and his legs are already sore.  Just one more step, he probably told himself.  And then, he took one more step, and another after that. 

This story helped me make sense of what another friend and colleague, a sport psychologist and athlete herself, always told me about how sports teaches life skills.  This was the very reason why she insisted on putting all her children into competitive sports from the time they were about 5 years old.  The training taught the discipline that there was no easy way in getting anything done, and one needed to work on building skills day after day.  Among other things, competitions also taught the value of striving towards one’s best and never being self-satisfied about one’s accomplishments.  In effect, sports are a rehearsal to important life skills. 

Sports or long distance marathons, anyone? 

5 Aspects of Wholeness

As we grow and develop, we hardly think about the various aspects of ourselves. We go about our daily lives doing our daily routines, getting busy with our preoccupations. We wake up in the morning, go to work, and come back home and rest. On certain days, we might jog around our neighborhood or go to the gym. In some occasions, we meet family and friends. Along the way, we browse the internet, check our social networking sites, answer some emails, and read some interesting articles. We go to church roughly once a week. We might even have a hobby that we enjoy doing. These are some typical activities we do on a fairly regular basis.

The different activities we do reflect various aspects of ourselves. Without giving much thought to it, we are able to satisfy our needs through the different activities that we do.

One way of understanding ourselves is seeing ourselves from the various aspects that make up who we are. In order to live a fairly satisfactory balanced life, we need to have a deep understanding of the various aspects that comprise our persons. These aspects are as follows:

• Physical – our material self, our bodies;
• Intellectual – our reasoning and rational self;
• Emotional – our reactions, feelings and affectations;
• Social – our interactions and relationships with others;
• Spiritual/Moral – our relationship with ourselves, our inner lives, and our relationship with the beyond (i.e., something greater than ourselves, notwithstanding how one defines this)

In responding to the needs of our physical selves, eating a balanced diet, doing regular exercise and having a sufficient amount of sleep and rest are essential. Our intellectual needs are often satisfied by having something to read and using our reason to deal with different problems that come our way. When we are in school, this is a natural aspect that we develop. Our emotional aspect is also very salient when we talk about a heightened awareness of our reactions and feelings towards certain people, events, circumstances, and beliefs. Our social aspects are sustained in the interactions we have with colleagues, family members, friends, and acquaintances. We can also nurture our spiritual lives through the practice of a religion. Meditation and self-reflection are also activities that nurture our spiritual/moral lives.

Paying attention to all these aspects of our persons on a fairly regular basis is integral in our wellbeing. An overemphasis or overexertion of one more than the other aspects often leads to an imbalance and dissatisfaction in one’s life. Given the preferences and earlier experiences of an individual, certain aspects may take a greater priority in their lives. This is but understandable, but other aspects also need to have a place in their lives. 

This way of understanding personal development is particularly important for young people. Parents and those who guide our youth need to make sure that each one is nurtured and educated in these various aspects. 

Only when we are able to nurture all these aspects can we truly say that we have truly helped in the formation of a whole person.