Roles We Play in Our Families

            It’s the season for homecomings and reunions here in the Philippines.  For many people, this will be a time to look forward to—good food, laughter and fun, and familiar interactions.  Reunions are a means by which we bond with family and friends.  For most, it is a much awaited part of the holiday season. 

            What is most interesting in these gatherings is how the roles we take on in the family becomes quite pronounced.  With everyone present, each of the roles of each member of the family becomes clear in the way they interact with those present.  For many, these roles are something that just happened; we neither planned nor wanted it.  Somehow, certain jobs and functions were thrust to us, and we just accepted them with little resistance. 

To help illustrate my point, a father can take on the role of the power and authority figure in the home.  When the father asserts something, hardly anybody says another word.  A favorite daughter, on the other hand, may be the only person who can gently, and even humorously, retort to what is being said.  And the authoritarian of a father accepts such dissent with a smile, but only from her.  The mother might play an overtly quiet role, but influence the father in more subtle ways.  A son might play the role of the “black sheep,” and would come late for reunions dressed in an outfit that is hardly appropriate for the occasion.  The behaviors of each of these members characterize the role they play at home. 

Holiday reunions have a way of making us replay the roles we have in our families.  Rather unconsciously, we are transported to that context that is so conducive to reenacting a script that is so familiar to us.  They are often difficult to change, as it involves the entire system that is the family.  And yet, if a member decides to change the way he or she behaves in that context, the rest often adjust to this. 

This holiday season, I would like to invite you, my dear readers, to be a bit more sensitive to the role that you play in your own family.  Be watchful of how other people interact with you and how you react to them.  Such awareness can help you clarify the role you play.  This can then help you decide if that is the role you really want for yourself.  If it is, the awareness helps you affirm this decision.  If it is not, then you can be more conscious about how it is you would like to behave.  This is when you start to have the power of choice.  

             Merry Christmas!

Negotiation as Conflict Resolution





Being in conflict with someone can be very stressful; it can drain much energy from anyone.  Be it at home or at work, when we have a conflicted relationship with a person who is part of our lives in one way or another, we are often unable to deny the fact that we are at least somewhat affected. 

Because of the many thoughts and reactions we might have in face of a conflict, we are often unable to think clearly about the situation and react to what we perceive is going on.  Because we are feeling hurt or disadvantaged—even taken advantage of in some instances—we tend to think that our misery was caused by the other person.  “If only that person did this or did not do this, I would be better off,” we might think to ourselves.  Most or all the blame for one’s sad state tends to fall on the other person. 

When we are feeling vulnerable over a situation, the typical reaction is to protect oneself.  This can take the form of keeping to oneself, finding shelter to protect ourselves from further harm.  We can also launch an attack at our aggressor, whether we do this through active or passive means.  Passive means include doing nothing and omitting some expected actions to warrant notice, and sometimes, to inflict harm.  For instance, this can happen when a wife decides to stop cooking for her husband one day as a response to feeling hurt over something.  A friend can also ignore another person as a way of inflicting guilt over what the other had done.  Active means are direct confrontations and acts that cause harm on the other person. 

When we find ourselves in these conflicted situations with other people, matters can deteriorate very quickly.  Our ill feelings towards the person and the situation can make us want to either avoid and end the relationship all together or to escalate the interactions into ever increasing intensities of aggression.  We can then lose control, and the whole scenario turns ugly. 

Before anything turns ugly, I invite each one to step back and to look inside.  You might want to ask yourself the following questions: 

·         What bothered or hurt you in this situation? 

·         Now that this situation has happened and we can no longer turn back the hands of time, what can you do to make things better for yourself? 

·         How valuable is this relationship to you?  How much are you willing to give to be able to keep this relationship? 

·         What did I do wrong in this whole situation, whether at the start or in reaction to my own hurt feelings? 

·         What can I do to admit my faults to the other person? 

·         What can I do to make amends for the wrong that I have done? 

·         Thinking realistically, what would I want the other person to do to assuage my hurt? 

As you are able to answer these questions for yourself, invite the other person to answer the same questions as well.  If needed, you can invite a mutual friend or respected person to mediate between the two of you. 

            In answering the questions above, you are turning the conflict into a problem that needs to be solved, and not a fight you are aiming to win.  Only when both parties are able to lay down their cards on the table honestly, bearing only realistic expectations of oneself and others, can conflicts be better managed.  

The Magic Ratio towards a Healthy Marriage

A healthy marriage is hard to define. Marriages, like individuals, are unique; no two are alike. Something that one couple might consider very natural in their relationship might very well be viewed as rather strange by another set of partners.

When psychologists tried to understand what makes a couple remain intact in marriage, they found one curious ingredient that appeared more often among couples who tended to stay together longer. It is the magic ratio of 5 is to 1. That means that for every time that these couples who tend to stay together longer have some kind of misunderstanding; they have had about 5 positive interactions between them as well. Now, the positive interactions are not all major loving acts. They can be as simple interactions that strengthen their marital bond, such as, simple knowing glances, giving each other compliments, and casual affectionate touching.

This 5:1 ratio is quite simple to remember. We only need to translate it to small acts of kindness that we can do to our spouses. Remember that we do not have to engage in major demonstrations of devotion to our spouse. We only need to do simple daily (sometimes even moment-to-moment) acts that communicate to our spouse that we do care for them.

To further reinforce the magic ratio, here are 4 basic tips that both husband and wife can practice to ensure a happy, healthy marriage:

• Listen. Before making the other person understand what we think, learn to listen to what the other person thinks. This can be achieved by being in tune and listening to both the verbal and nonverbal signs. Do not assume that you know and understand; it is important to clarify.
• Accept. We need take who the other person is as wholeheartedly as possible. As we learn to understand the other person’s language, we need to accept all that is said. We cannot change the other person. We can only try to change ourselves.
• Affirm. Acknowledge what you understand and accept. Give your spouse frequent and sincere compliments. Through words and actions, communicate to your spouse that you understand him/her in the way that he/she understands him/herself.
• Demonstrate your love. In ways that the other person understands, demonstrate that you love your spouse. You may want to do things that he/she likes regularly. Send thoughtful text messages every so often. Say “I love you” as often as you can. Touch each other affectionately as often as possible.