Forgiveness

            Forgiveness is something often associated with religion and spirituality, and some of you might wonder how it might be related to psychology and mental health.  Forgiveness is really very much a psychological phenomenon.  True forgiveness often brings closure to feelings of loss and pain, being ill-treated and taken advantage of by another.  Such closure often brings about healing and reconciliation with the fact that one had been affected, oftentimes in a rather major life altering way, and that this incident has been a part—albeit undesirable—of  one’s history. 

            From the description above, I am actually saying that forgiveness is not equal to forgetting.  In fact, I believe honoring the memory of the impact of the incident on one’s person is an integral part of forgiveness.  We need to go through all the emotions associated with the person(s) and event(s) that offended us, as they come.  So, remembering is indeed crucial in this process. 

            Yes, forgiving is a process.  Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is not a single event.  It is a series of making the same decision of forgiving over and over again, particularly when one is feeling the negative impact of a specific memory. 

            As you can very well see, saying that true forgiveness is not easy is quite an understatement.  It is indeed a major struggle in one’s life.  It is also a very individual process that may or may not involve the offender.  Some people use the excuse of not being able to forgive because the other person has not directly sought his/her forgiveness.  However, this is not the most important element in forgiveness.  More important is one’s desire to forgive.  If one is still unable to forgive, one may simply wish to work on one’s sincere desire to do so.  Honestly desiring to be able to forgive despite the fact that one is still unable to do so is a healthy initial step in one’s healing.  In as much as we would wish for the offender to admit to his/her fault and seek forgiveness; this is really icing on the cake.  This can certainly sweeten the act of forgiving, but is not the main event.  Much of the work really has to happen within. 

            When one actively confronts the emotions that come to fore in the process of forgiveness, which can range from hate to loathing, fury to vengeance, and sadness to hopelessness, one will start to notice that the emotions lose their intensity.  You will then realize that you are on the right path.  Not long from then, you will be able to develop a different perspective to what had happened to you.  More positive thoughts and emotions will creep in and help rebuild your identity and life.  In the absence of anger, bitterness, pain, and resentment, you will know that you have truly forgiven. 

            With this kind of forgiveness, psychological growth can happen.  It enables one to confront one’s ugly past and live in the present more fully.  Developing a realistic and healthy self concept is an integral part of this healing process.  Appreciating one’s own strengths as well as one’s weaknesses become a good foundation in understanding other people, who also have their own strengths and areas of improvement.  This then promotes healthy relationships and a more fulfilling approach to one’s life.