On Punishments and Consequences

            Parents often use punishments on children to stop certain behaviors.  Of course, the main reason why this is so is that they believe that punishments are good deterrents to certain unwanted behaviors.  They believe that behaviors that are punished will be done less by their children.  This is how many of us were raised as children.  We often find ourselves reasoning that if it was effective then, it should be effective now. 

            Punishments take many forms.  It can be as mild as withdrawing a favorite part of a meal (e.g., soft drinks or dessert maybe?) or as severe as physical (corporal) punishment.  This entire range of behavioral deterrents may be used by parents in varying degrees in the name of disciplining children. 

            What is discipline and what role does it have in parenting our children?  Instilling discipline is about training our children to be able to think for themselves, teaching them to decide for themselves.  It is probably one of the most difficult and extended tasks in parenting.  First, it is being able to set clear limits, the few and well defined non-negotiables, that are important for you as a parent (e.g., always treat oneself and others with respect, never physically hurt oneself or others, etc.).  Second, I say it is difficult because it challenges parents not to judge children, but to help children judge their behaviors (i.e., criticize the behavior, not the child).  Third, instilling discipline occasionally entails the sacrifice of allowing our children to make mistakes, and to be present to help them up and foster learning from these mistakes.  These challenges are not resolved after only one instance.  Parents need to stay constantly vigilant to the children’s behaviors in order to instill this life-long discipline. 

            Now that I have defined what I believe discipline constitutes, I want to clarify what it is not.  Whenever I speak to parents, I often hear how respect and discipline is equated to fear.  The child needs to fear their parent in order for them to be obedient and know right from wrong.  I believe this assumed equivalence between discipline and fear is dangerous because it is all too often the reason why children are physically maltreated and abused. 

            I guess the best kinds of punishments are those that can best be called “consequences.”  By this word, I really mean something that is a direct result of what a child did or failed to do.  For example, when a child refuses to take a bath, he risks being shunned by others because he does not smell nice.  This might be a natural consequence of the child’s behaviors.  Parents can also set up artificial consequences.  For instance, if a child refuses to share his toy with his sibling, a parent might decide to temporarily confiscate the toy from that child until he is willing to share.  This might be an artificial consequence to not sharing.  The best methods of using consequences are those that: 

1)      Immediately follow the behavior being corrected;

2)      Directly relate to the behavior;

3)      Are proportionate to the offense made;

4)      The child can predict; and

5)      Also encourage alternative and more appropriate behaviors. 

            As I speak about consequences, I hope I am also making a clear link between this strategy and the kind of discipline I believe effective parenting often possesses.  I am also building a case against the use of physical and corporal punishments.  In my next post, I will be discussing the ill effects of using these kinds of punishments.