What Children Need from Parents Who Separate

A few months ago, a friend of mine forwarded an article from the Philippine Daily Inquirer entitled “A daughter’s 10 commandments for separated parents.” You can access an archived copy through the following website http://archive.inquirer.net/view.php?db=1&story_id=260477. I think its great advice, and speak from the point of view of a young person who actually experienced her own parents’ separation.


Whenever I speak to parents who are separating, I always remind them that they may decide to separate from their spouse and that might be the end of their relationship with that person. However, their children will always be related to them and their other parent. So, if they decide to speak ill of their ex-partner to their children, they are actually bad mouthing the child’s own father or mother.

Now, I wonder how it would feel like to anybody if you hear someone—in this case, your own parent—speak badly about your other parent. Similarly, children can also be used to “spy” on the other parent or to be made guilty for enjoying their time with the other parent. For a child, this type of behaviors is a powerful message of what marital relationships are all about. It also affects each individual child in a unique way, as they are affected by every comment that is made about their own parents. Let’s say a boy is often likened to his father, that he had inherited his father’s looks and even some of his habits. And then the separation happens and his mother starts to speak of all the ills of his father to him or is made to “betray” his father by making him say what his father had done wrong this time. How must this impact on this young man, not only in the way he sees his own father, but also in the way he sees himself? How might he feel about all that?

It goes without saying that any marital separation affects all members of the family. It is often a painful situation for everyone. But because it is also largely a marital decision, children are often unknowingly victimized when their needs are neglected or even invalidated. Here are some of the more important needs of children that remain to be relevant, and even more so, through a separation:

• Routine and structure. Children need the daily routines and structure that often translates to a semblance of stability. This includes the daily schedule of meal times, cleaning up time, bed time, and other activities of daily living. They need to know that their daily needs continue to be met even through this emotional upheaval.

• Limits and discipline. Rules need to be clear and expectations spelled out. Reward them for good behavior and promptly correct inappropriate behaviors. Don’t let the failure of your marriage ruin the childhood of your children. They need to know that they are still expected to do as per usual even through the separation.

• Support and nurturance. Children need the support of their siblings, friends, and extended family. In as much as parents need this, children need to spend time with others who can help them deal with their most natural sources of support. Bringing your child to see a counselor or psychologist can be helpful if this type of support is few and far between.

• A listening ear. Talk to your children. Keep them informed and tell them what is happening in a way that they will understand. Ask them how they are feeling and what they think about the whole matter of the separation openly. Accept what they say without having to justify yourself. Finally, reassure them that you will be there for them no matter what. And of course, do just that.

ABC-DEF in Managing Our Feelings

Our emotions are our own and nobody else’s. This is the first lesson that we need to learn if we are to help take control of our feelings. When we blame others for making us feel bad or mad, then we are not owning up to our feelings.


Before I go any further, I must note my agreement that others can do things that can trigger reactions in us, particularly people who matter to us. This is natural, as we are neither unresponsive robots nor isolated creatures. There are also many events in our lives that cause us to feel a certain way, such as, losing a loved one or fulfilling a dream.

ABC is an acronym for the elements that help us understand our feelings better. “A” in this acronym stands for “antecedent event,” or the situation that just happened. C stands for the “consequent feeling” that we have after the event transpired. This is a natural relationship that we all acknowledge.

What we forget in this equation is the “B” in the acronym, which stands for our “beliefs.” This includes the thoughts and ideas we have that led us to think of the event as being good or bad, positive or negative. These intermediary thoughts are quite important because they help sustain or support the way we feel about a given situation.

Scientists who study emotions and emotional reactions tell us that these internal events last no longer than a couple of seconds in our brains. And yet, we often experience our reactions longer. We can even relive an experience with all our associated reactions when we recall what happened. These are mostly products of our beliefs or the “B” in ABC.

Given this understanding, we can help manage our feelings better by following the steps summarized by the acronym DEF. With the knowledge that our thoughts intermediate between an event or a situation and our consequent feelings, we can also change the way we think about a situation to somewhat soften the feelings we experience. “D” stands for “dispute;” and in this context we need to dispute the belief that is causing us to feel bad about an event or a situation. Not content with simply disputing our beliefs and thoughts, we need to develop a more “effective philosophy,” which is what “E” is all about. Only then can we notice that our “feelings change,” as summarized by the letter “F.”

To give an example, let’s say you were asked to resign from work because of a major mistake you did (this is A or the antecedent event). You naturally felt bad about it, and worried that you might not find a job that suits your qualifications (C or consequent feelings). You might then need to step back and think about the thoughts that prompted the negative feelings of sadness and worry (B for beliefs). You might be thinking at this point that you are really worthless and incompetent for making a major mistake, and that no employer in his right mind would hire a person like you if he knew about the mistake you made. This train of thought can really make you feel bad about yourself.

Now, let’s apply how DEF works. You need to take a step back and view your situation in another perspective. Did you really intend to make that mistake? Does a mistake like that really mean that you are absolutely incompetent? Did you not have any success at all in this job or in previous work experiences? Answering these questions constitutes D for dispute. So, you might come to the realistic conclusion that you did make a major mistake and being asked to resign is justified. And yet, you are not absolutely competent and you can still learn from this mistake. And that if you were given another chance, you will certainly do better. You have now arrived at E or a more effective way of thinking. Convinced of this new way of thinking, you can then feel a little bit better about yourself (F for feelings change).

At the beginning, this method can be quite cumbersome, and you might need to write down your thoughts to help you see the logic of your disputes. With some practice, you will see how this can help you manage your emotions so that they don’t’ get out of hand.

The Truth about IQ

Intelligence is a much desired characteristic for many. We are happy when people regard us as being clever or smart. We also admire other people who are intelligent, and think that this is characteristic will lead us to eventual success and happiness.


IQ tests are generally held to be the best measures of intelligence. When a person gets high scores in a reputable and well made instrument meant to approximate his/her intelligence, we think of that person as being intelligent. In fact, the most famous organization for intellectually gifted people, Mensa, has only one requirement for anybody to be a member, and that is to have a top 2% score in an approved intelligence test.

Traditionally, intelligence refers to areas most akin to school learning. This concept of intelligence focuses on logical reasoning, detail orientation, mathematical abilities, memory, and language mastery. Whereas these are important in school learning, it often has very little to do with the tasks that relate to work life in adulthood.

Many studies done have proved that IQ scores have little to do with one’s success or happiness in one’s life. Surprisingly, it also has little to do with the amount of money a person earns. Although most of these studies are done in the United States, I have a hunch that these findings are true for us in the Philippines as well.

Despite the general acceptance of many when it comes to the validity of the assumption that intelligence tests measure intelligence, this is actually no longer the approach that many psychologists have in the use of these measures. In fact, Howard Gardener’s theory of multiple intelligences questioned the whole idea that intelligence is only a single set of abilities. He was the first to challenge the notion that there is only one kind of intelligence, and that is what IQ tests measure. He says that people are talented in different ways, and these are also legitimate expressions of intelligence. So, a person who might not do well in school because he or she is not good in English or Mathematics may be intelligent in the area of sports or dancing. This person can also be said to be intelligent in the way he moves and controls his body, despite his areas of weakness in the traditional notion of intelligence.

As a psychologist, one of my primary roles is to understand a person’s abilities and areas of weaknesses so that he or she can maximize his strengths and improve his areas of weakness. As such, IQ scores are only important as they clarify a person’s strengths and areas of weakness. With this perspective, I am better able to facilitate the holistic development of the individuals that I have had the opportunity to get to know.

I do agree that intelligence is a desirable characteristic. However, an IQ score, even from the best IQ test, cannot begin to describe the range of strengths and gifts that any individual brings with him or her. We need to see the IQ score with its limitations before we can fully appreciate how it can serve our purposes.

Children Who Just Can't Sit Still

Arnold was 7-1/2 years old and already in Grade 2 when his teachers called his parents over to school for parent conferences soon after school began. This was a repetition of an old story in as far as Arnold’s parents are concerned. He was just rather disruptive in class. He blurted out answers whenever the teacher asked questions and interfered with his classmates’ work despite not doing his own. He walked around class and hardly stayed in his seat. In spite of these behaviors, he was often able to answer his teachers’ questions when he was asked. His parents admit that he had been this way from the time he was in preschool, but they never thought anything of it.


Whereas there is some truth that some children tend to be more active than others, we do expect that most, if not all, children will be able to settle down for at least 15 to 20 minutes when they reach the age six or seven. When a child is unable to do so by this age, we start to suspect that the child’s development is not going according to what is usually expected.

By the time children reach the age of 7 years, there is a general expectation among experts that children have settled and developed in the following areas: attention span, impulse control, and the need to keep on moving physically. First, children passed 7 are better able to manage their own affairs. They are able to sit still and attend to a task at hand, whether that is play or work. Notwithstanding their interest level in the task at hand, they are generally able to sit still and focus on what needs to be done. Second, they are able to control their impulses better that they are able to socialize in a way that is acceptable. They are able to transition from one thing to another, and do not switch tasks haphazardly. They are able to start some simple activities and stop with some resolution to what they started. They are also able to wait their turn and plan their behaviors reasonably well. Lastly, they are physically more settled and may not demand to move all the time.

When children reach the said age and still have significant difficulties behaving in the way described in the previous paragraph, seeking the consult of a professional might be in order. Consulting a professional who deals with children’s behavioral problems might be appropriate. Clinical Psychologists are among these professionals that parents can consult regarding their child.

What often comes to the mind of the professionals when the behaviors described are not met by a child is Attention-deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder or AD/HD. We do not really know the cause of this disorder, but the general belief about it is that it is a lifelong condition that children will need to cope with.

After identifying areas of growth of the child, appropriate treatment may proceed. Behavioral interventions are significant in helping a child deal with his/her difficulties. This can take the form of parent coaching, behavior modification techniques, and individual and/or group play therapy. Home-school coordination is also valuable in making sure that interventions are consistent across the places where the child spends most of his/her time. In some instances, medication can also help.

It has been a year since Arnold started attending weekly sessions with a psychologist. Although he still has difficulties in managing his focus and attention span, he has been able to do reasonably better in school, both in his studies and his behavior in school. He was also able to make friends with a few of his classmates and appear to be much happier.

School Refusal

Joey is a 6-year old boy who started attending Grade 1 of a big elementary school recently. From the first day of classes, he had been showing signs that he did not want to attend school. He behaved similarly when he was in preschool, particularly in the first few days after school opening. He was enrolled in at least 3 preschools before he was convinced by one of his teachers to attend school more regularly. His parents thought that he would outgrow this by the time he was ready for big school, but he appeared not to do as they had expected.


It has been almost a month since school started for most students in the Philippines. And by this time, school work is going full speed ahead. The rhythm of waking up early to beat the morning rush hour, doing homework, and studying for the upcoming quizzes and exams have also probably taken hold of the daily routine.

By this time, some parents may be out of their wits on what to do with their children who refuse to go to school. Some children just quietly refuse to go to school. Others might put up a major tantrum whenever they are encouraged to attend school. In these situations, teachers and school counselors are also putting in their share to support these students.

Fortunately, school refusal is not a very common problem. Nevertheless, it is a difficult situation for parents who have to face this predicament.

Unlike truancy, the situation when a child or adolescent intentionally plans and actually skips classes, school refusal is not an act of defiance. The child or adolescent does not really wish to disobey his or her parents. Oftentimes, they also have no words to describe their own experience. They often do not even understand why they feel the way they do, and the best response they have is to refuse to go to school and remain in the comfort of their home. They would rather endure the persistent urgings for them to return to school than face the overwhelming negative feelings of going to school.

For these children and adolescents, fear, worry and anxiety are likely prominent in their internal experience. Without really knowing why they feel the way they feel or what made them feel that way, they can only express their refusal to go to school. Some of these young people may actually be experiencing clinical depression and/or an anxiety disorder.

In helping our youth who refuse to go to school, a balance needs to be made in acknowledging and addressing their inner experiences and in challenging them to attend school at the soonest possible time. In this labored process, understanding the extent to which the school is able to accommodate the special needs of a child is integral. Having an understanding school administrator with open teachers and skillful guidance counselors are certainly a key to getting effective results. Most importantly, parents need to show their unwavering support in the journey of these children.

Fortunately for Joey, his parents brought him to see a psychologist, who managed to coordinate a treatment plan with his family and teachers. Initially, Joey spent an hour in the guidance counselor’s office. At least, he agreed to be in school for that duration than not at all. His time in school gradually increased to two hours and then three. In a few weeks’ time, he was able to attend regular classes.

The Magic Ratio towards a Healthy Marriage

A healthy marriage is hard to define. Marriages, like individuals, are unique; no two are alike. Something that one couple might consider very natural in their relationship might very well be viewed as rather strange by another set of partners.

When psychologists tried to understand what makes a couple remain intact in marriage, they found one curious ingredient that appeared more often among couples who tended to stay together longer. It is the magic ratio of 5 is to 1. That means that for every time that these couples who tend to stay together longer have some kind of misunderstanding; they have had about 5 positive interactions between them as well. Now, the positive interactions are not all major loving acts. They can be as simple interactions that strengthen their marital bond, such as, simple knowing glances, giving each other compliments, and casual affectionate touching.

This 5:1 ratio is quite simple to remember. We only need to translate it to small acts of kindness that we can do to our spouses. Remember that we do not have to engage in major demonstrations of devotion to our spouse. We only need to do simple daily (sometimes even moment-to-moment) acts that communicate to our spouse that we do care for them.

To further reinforce the magic ratio, here are 4 basic tips that both husband and wife can practice to ensure a happy, healthy marriage:

• Listen. Before making the other person understand what we think, learn to listen to what the other person thinks. This can be achieved by being in tune and listening to both the verbal and nonverbal signs. Do not assume that you know and understand; it is important to clarify.
• Accept. We need take who the other person is as wholeheartedly as possible. As we learn to understand the other person’s language, we need to accept all that is said. We cannot change the other person. We can only try to change ourselves.
• Affirm. Acknowledge what you understand and accept. Give your spouse frequent and sincere compliments. Through words and actions, communicate to your spouse that you understand him/her in the way that he/she understands him/herself.
• Demonstrate your love. In ways that the other person understands, demonstrate that you love your spouse. You may want to do things that he/she likes regularly. Send thoughtful text messages every so often. Say “I love you” as often as you can. Touch each other affectionately as often as possible.

Psychological Evaluation using Standardized Tests

Psychological tests are very common nowadays, although many of us do not quite realize this fact. Many entrance procedures to schools and work places include some form of screening process that requires applicants to answer some kind of questionnaire or ability measure. Others might require a better understanding of certain personal characteristics relevant to the position for which one is applying.

Psychological evaluations are mostly conducted using a combination of procedures that include the following: direct observations, interviews, and the use of various standardized tests for the purpose of gaining a better understanding of the person being evaluated. These evaluations are conducted for a broad array of contexts and purposes.

The use of standardized tests is unique to psychologists. No other professionals are trained to conceptualize, develop, administer, and interpret psychological tests except psychologists. However, some individuals who are not psychologists might be trained to give specific psychological tests for specific purposes. Some trainors, for instance, might use a specific personality test as one of the tools they use in their workshops and seminars.

There are many kinds of psychological tests, but these can be divided into two general categories, which are as follows: aptitude tests and personality tests. Aptitude tests are the ones used to evaluate a person’s abilities or level of mastery in a specific skill area. This includes IQ tests and achievements tests mostly used in schools. Proficiency tests in specific skill areas also fall in the same category. Personality tests include tools that attempt at understanding certain traits and characteristics of the person.

Standardized tests are called such not only because they are administered and interpreted in much the same way every time they are used, but also because they went through a rigorous process of development. Most, if not all, the time, there is a sound and well accepted theory in understanding people that underlie these tests. The tests are often developed over a period of years, when they are tested with various groups of individuals to prove consistent results across a reasonably long period of time. The theory that was used to develop the scale is also somewhat proven when the tests go through various procedures that reasonably guarantee that they measure what they claim to measure.

Psychologists are trained to understand the principles underlying these tests and the way they have been developed. This basic understanding aids the professional to approximate an understanding of a person given a particular context and purpose.